Really interesting, right?

Another week of election planning in Spain has gone past… pathos..  to be ignored. It will all turn out for the worse.
Have you voted yet for your least disliked option?
Plenty of articles in teh international press, including several by Javier Cercas. Does he have a new book to sell or what?

The Brexit nonsense continues with more ministers secretly breaking the laws of the land and denying it. Another subject to be ignored as it is already turning into the worst possible scenario.
What will the news be in 1000 years time?
«It’s year 3019, humans have saved planet Earth and have mastered inter-galactic space travel, building constructive relationships with several alien species.
Also, Brexit has been delayed a further 2 months.
«Don’t waste the time of the latest extension», said Tusk in serious warning, as the British do exactly that. I don’t even read about it any more.

Macron making promises is another bit of information to be ignored as said promises «n’engagent que ceux qui les croient».
Meanwhile, yet another believer who was close up to the low temperature conflagration (i.e. it wasn’t hell) in Notre Dame has been on the media claiming to have seen Jesus in the flames.
Personally, I believe her.
It would have been one of the many statues of Jesus all round the walls going up in flames.
Science… the Church of the middle ages was right: science is too dangerous.

News comes in that Kim Jong Un of the terrible North Korean haircut has been meeting Vlad «Impaler» Putin, who is being obviously set up (by whom?) to act as a go-between with the Orange Shit Gibbon in future talks on denuclearisation.
This is the same pair (Impaler and Shit Gibbon) who recently left the non-nuclear proliferation agreement in tatters and are now busy producing the next generation of nuclear bombs.
Three narcissists with inferiority complexes leading the charge for world safety from nuclear proliferation…. what could possibly go wrong ??
You don’t have to be of high IQ to know that Haircut thinks he is manipulating both Impaler and the Shit Gibbon, while it is also certain that Impaler is the Shit Gibbon’s in-line boss.
Of course China is manipulating all of them. And they have spies everywhere. Just look at the number of «chino» shops in Spain!
We’re fucked.

I read recently that, just like the Shit Gibbon, the Haircut’s father, Kim Jong Il was a keen golf player. Whereas we know that the Shit Gibbon cheats at golf, it is different for Kim Jong Il. He is so much better at golf too, having set the record for the finest round of golf in North Korea… at a score of 18 on their only full size course.

The anti-vaccine gang have done enough damage, you might think, with the very serious rise in cases of measles (sarampión) throughout the world. All of these conspiracy nuts have created an unjustified worry amongst parents of new borns leading them to not take up the MMR vaccine (vacuna triple vírica). Consequently, the herd effect is lost and people will suffer as a result and many will die.
It gets worse.
In Australia, veterinarians are complaining that animal owners (especially of dogs) are now refusing to have these animals vaccinated. Why? Because they think that the dogs will become autistic.
No, I am not inventing this. You couldn’t invent this.
But, one, can animals become autistic?
Two, how would you know?

Science fiction gets closer to reality with news that scientists have partially revived some dead pig’s brains.
I don’t know whether I am just speaking for me or the whole of humanity when I hesitatingly say to these scientists…. eh…. thanks?
«It nevertheless gives more proof that cell death in the brain takes place over a much longer time period», screamed one pig’s head.

At our age, all over 50, he said diplomatically, we are beset with the signs of aging, mainly concerning the skin and muscle structure underneath. How many people begin to think of changing appearance at this point? Botox injections, after all, are only a short step beyond dying one’s hair. Just another temporary image change, right? Well, it is time to act fast as there are new rules agreed upon by the European parliament in Brussels. From the end of this year, cosmetic clinics will have «to assess patients’ suitability for Botox in an attempt to detect those whose desire to alter their appearance is due to mental health problems».
Well, if they will use the word «patient» it is already assumed that every Botox fan is a sicko.
So, girls, off with the shackles now and get thee to a Botox clinic before you are subject to checks for mental health problems.
I can’t wait until they do the same for hair dying.

Silly headline of the week from the outraged (they have to complain about something)
«Trieste half-marathon accused of racism in excluding Africans»
So now an actual marathon can be accused of racism???
Whatever next?

I saw another small headline this morning and I was drown in to read the nonsense. It is some man (an architect) asking about his friend (another architect), neither of whom, he stresses, are gay, with whom he shares a bed every week and they kiss and hug. But no more than that, as they are definitely not gay.
All right, I don’t take that one seriously, but it does call to mind several other cases of astonishing denial of reality.
We are not racists, said Abascal of Vox.
Only we can save Spain, said Doctor cum Fraude of the PSOE.
Brexit is for the good of Great Britain, said several millionaires of the Conservative Party
I do not cheat at golf says any number of those lying bastards.
I paid my taxes, said Lionel Messi
I have qualifications, say many Spanish politicians;
I see Jesus in the flames…
well… I say that too as all I can conclude is that Christian philosophy is being burned on the altar of madness.
Oh but that is a depressing thought. If only Leinster had won last night!

In conclusion, we are all drifting down a river of liquid manure without paddles or rudder and having to listen to numerous loud navegators about where we should be going.
Now get out and spoil some votes! At least that way you can laugh.

Blessings, love, brandy

The way to do it

There is a very long line of now empty Guinness cans on the dining table. I am mostly responsible (a little help from son Maximilian) and am financially happy thet no pub was open today for the game. It would have cost me a fortune!
If you didn’t realise what the important event was on this Easter Sunday, I will inform you….  it was the semi final of the European competition of rugby. Otherwise known as the Heineken Cup.
Anyway, my home team Leinster (I am wearing the shirt now) won their semi-final against the French power-house of rugby Toulouse by a score of 30-12.
Clinical, entertaining, joyful and victorious, it was a game to celebrate.
You can now be assured that I have celebrated it already and will continue to do until I can no longer stand up or until the Guinness runs out.
Consider me happy now with the hang-over of the century planned for tomorrow.

A good way to to pass the afternoon, especially after I prepared an excellent series of tapas (of the Sevillian tradition) to get (three of my kids and me) through the afternoon to accompany the Guinness.
My only problem is that I forgot to eat.
Merchants pub tonight should be fun. They will miss me at least for the noise and the money.

Hello to all and please drink to my health.
I will need much paracetamol before the morning.

love and joy to you all!

Real comment, real news

And a Happy Easter Sunday to you all!
I’ll stick with the Sunday only as happiness never lasts very long in the family context, does it?
The tenseness will increase over the evening and you will all be relieved to get out to work tomorrow if only to get away from your various sources of family irritation.
Back to normal, in other words.

So, where to start… It’s a religious week and I would like to think that you did manage to participate to some extent. Having partially watched a lot of it during the week while working, I propose this:
Question of the week: Is the Santo Entierro procession a parody?

Meanwhile Notre Dame burned down. When they were building it 900 years ago, it was common for the rich to finance the enterprise in return for Indulgences and forgiveness for the way they amassed the very money they were partially donating. Ah, the feudal system and patronage… rich lords buying their way into Heaven by making huge donations to the Church to atone for their robbing, exploitation, killing etc.
No hypocrisy in sight, right?
Well, here we have French billionaire Bernard Arnault (and family, it says here) and fellow French Billionaire François Pinault (and his family too) each offering 100 million Euro, that’s 100000000!!!!, towards the rebuilding of the cathedral. The l’Orèal family (you wouldn’t expect less) also pledging several tens of millions.
What sins are they guilty of that they have to offer so much in donation to the Church? Please send me your suggested list of their sins on a very long postcard.

Being a professor of thermodynamics helps me resolve mysteries too. After the fire, pictures from the inside show the golden Cross at the front of the altar untouched by the devastation around it. The fundamentalist Christians have jumped on this as proof of God and His intervention.
I have bad news for them, or rather, good science. The chief combustible of the fire was the wooden seats. Wood burns at a temperature of between 600°C and 800°C (depending on its chemical composition). The melting point of gold is 1600°C.
Really, one doesn’t have to be Sherlock Holmes.

Being Sevilla and with a general election on the horizon, there would have to be a potent mix of both religion and politics somewhere along the way. Again, no hypocrisy in sight, right?
We have the «Sash» (or fajin rojo) and the Baratillo and prospective Vox votes. Who, in their right mind, would even consider using a bright red sash, worn by a dictator guilty of much bloodshed, and donated by the Franco Bahamonde family (family again,eh?) as a decoration on a symbol of peace? And this has been going on for years… on the Virgin del palio of a Holy Week procession.
This is a scandal. For all his sins, the dictator’s family only gave a sash. A miserable sash?!?!?! Why couldn’t they give a few million Euro like all the other bastards? (see above).

In another parody of hypocrisy (okay, but it is the only expression that fits), it is reported that Game Of Thrones has been banned in military schools in Turkey to protect young people from “sexual exploitation, pornography, exhibitionism, abuse, harassment and all negative behaviours”.
It’s a f***ing television program, with actors. Actors!
Yeah… now get out there and kill some innocent civilians for real!!!!!!
The military, eh?

There is a Peppa Pig film out at present: «Peppa Pig: Festival of Fun». They have special maninee showings in the UK, probably as an excuse for parents to bring along their children on Saturday morning, then make an excuse to leave after ten minutes to do what they like for a couple of hours (relaxed shopping, go home and have uninterupted sex, whatever), but things didn’t work out that way in Ipswich, UK.
Before the film, some trailers for forthcoming films are shown… except that the trailers chosen were for the films «Ma» featuring dead bodies, sexual violence and a man being hit by a car, and «Brightburn», which features a malevolent child with a horror mask as well as blood and violence.
Cue: kids in tears and screaming in terror.
Cue: lots of parents suddenly realising that their morning shopping or Saturday sex was a non-starter.
One parent, Mrs Jones, a BBC journalist, said her daughter Annie had been subdued since the experience. She said: «Normally I would expect her to be singing and dancing when watching something like [Peppa Pig] but she was just really subdued. I hope that they can show these horror film trailers every week. It hasn’t been as quiet in the house since Annie was born.»

Okay, I added a quote of my own in there.

Still in the «we’re not talking about Brexit» UK, this one also made me wonder about the general levels of education there.
A couple phoned the local newspaper in Doncaster to report finding a piranha in the local lake. Ah well, this now fitted in with recent dramatic reports of ducks being massacred and other wildlife being torn to shreds, now obviously by the «razor-toothed Amazon fish»….  in the freezing waters of Martinwells Lake.
Do you have proof, asked the reporter, busy checking the date… not the 1st of April. To his shock, photographs began to emerge of a couple of fish that looked just like the actual South American pirhana.
The Environment Agency confirmed that the dead fish were indeed pirhanas.
Obviously they were exotic pets that some owner released into the water when they became too big.
However, logic or intelligence were never a part of rural British life and the reactions were worth a laugh.
“It was quite a shock. We couldn’t believe that we’d found a piranha fish. It’s not the kind of thing you expect to find in Doncaster,”
No, nor in most of Brazil either, where the tropics are.
“When we realised what it was, it sent shivers down my spine. This is a popular spot among families, dog walkers and fishermen. It’s always busy here. There’s a play park nearby, with lots of young children.»
Do these things have legs now?
Keep an eye out for pirahanas among the columpios in Alfalfa, Felix.

Speaking of dicks…..
The male organ rears its ugly head again (puns completely intended).
Doctors in Papua New Guinea have warned of a “nationwide problem” of men injecting foreign substances, including coconut oil, baby oil, silicone and cooking oil (side effects are serious, sometimes irreversible) into their penises in an attempt to make them bigger.
Yaaheeeey!!!! The male ego, eh? Completely concentrated in the genetalia.
A doctor at the Port Moresby General Hospital said that over the last two years his «clinic has treated at least 500 men with penile disfigurement and dysfunction as a result of injections. The bulk of them have abnormal, lumpy masses growing over the penis and sometimes involving the scrotum” said Dr Danlop.
He continued “Predominantly the men, usually aged 18-40, regret what they have done,”
Read that again…. «predominantly»????
Some of them are okay with this??

We men do so many things to keep women happy.

Still speaking of horrors…An American man is suing his parents for throwing away his pornography collection, which he estimates is worth $29,000 (€25,600). The 40-year-old Indiana man filed his lawsuit last week in Michigan, where he had moved in with his parents in 2016 after his divorce. His twelve boxes of magazines were dumped by his father.
The man is now seeking financial damages of around $87,000 (€76,800).
The question remains… who buys porn magazines in the age of the internet?

«Now, why didn’t we think of that?» Part 154
After American Airlines announced that it was canceling 115 flights a day between now and the summer because of «problems» (problems? that’s putting it mildly) with the Boeing 737 Max, Donald Trump, a.k.a. the Orange Shit Gibbon, decided to show them the solution.
And the solution of genius?
Change the name and keep selling and flying. I am not sure that this particular piece of advise had occurred to anyone in Boeing, probably because they think that not even Americans are that stupid.
The tweet is yet another classic in a long line of shite:
“What do I know about branding? Maybe nothing (but I did become President!), but if I were Boeing, I would FIX the Boeing 737 MAX, add some additional great features, & REBRAND the plane with a new name. No product has suffered like this one. But again, what the hell do I know?”
This is one that Homer Simpson wouldn’t try, but I can imagine the Orange Shit Gibbon standing on the wing with a big marker pen changing to MAX8 to «all new MAX9» badly and being convinced that no one would notice.
You can imagine it too, right?

For your information, the problem has no proper solution. The position of the reactors under the wings renders stability much more difficult to retain and control. This is the fuck-up of the century and is the equivalent of the White Star Line producing hundreds of Titanics. 

White House senior adviser Ivanka Trump (yes, that’s her real job title) said her father asked her if she was interested in taking the job of World Bank chief but she passed on it.
Please just think about that for a moment.
The president (i.e. the Orange Shit Gibbon) recently told The Atlantic newspaper: «I even thought of Ivanka for the World Bank. She would’ve been great at that because she’s very good with numbers.»
That’s some serious qualification right there. Good with numbers.
Ivanka Trump worked on the selection process for the new head of the 189-nation World Bank, David Malpass. She said he will do an «incredible job».
Quite incredible, indeed!

Meanwhile, submissive friend of the Shit Gibbon, Kim Jong-Un has had his army test firing a new tactical weapon with a “powerful warhead”.
Someone is laughing anyway.

I will end with a quote from a very senior British diplomat concerning Brexit, but it fits in with everything..
«We’re fucked! Totally fucked! There is no other way to say it. Fucked»
He has a way with words.

Peace and blessings be upon you all,

Getting it wrong

I actually thought that the April Fool’s jokes in newspapers were easy to spot but I was wrong.
By dismissing the story about the Irish prime minister Leo Varadkar (gay party) inviting Kylie Minogue to perform a concert in Dublin, I make the intelligent error of the week. By that I mean that no intelligent person would give it any credence.
Imagine my consternation, indeed stupefaction, this morning when I read this…

«Leo Varadkar’s letter to pop star Kylie Minogue has been labelled «cringe-worthy» and «demeaning of his office» by an Opposition member of parliament.
The Prime Minister wrote the letter to the Australian singer ahead of her proposed visit to Dublin in October for a concert and offered to give her a personal welcome to the country.
The letter was issued on official Department of the Prime Minister headed paper.
Despite it being an official note, Mr Varadkar attempted to prevent its release on two occasions under Freedom of Information, before finally relenting.»

Is there one, even one! dignified and intelligent politician on this effing planet?
This is once more beyond any parody or comment I could make.

I despair!
Will someone please have a drink with me?


Not forgotten, just late

In case you think that my presence in Sevilla precludes you from my usual tactic of using the news and my cynical view of it as therapy, then you are wrong.
Despite the work, the frustration, the failed expectations, the unwanted repetition and the goggle-eyed stupefaction… I am going again.
But speaking of eyes and travel documents and no doubt other things, I notice that there is a square of apparently random patterned smaller squares on everything. They read this electronically at airports and everywhere else. I asked what they were.
«They are QR codes», was the answer.
What’s that, I asked.
«QR codes» was the answer again. So they don’t know what they are either nor what QR stands for as an acronym.
Then, after some advanced thought, I worked it out…
These QR codes (or strange squares) are Rorschach tests for robots – I think we should be paying attention to artificial intelligence now.

The MIchael Jackson (was a predatory paedophile) documentary has been shown at two cinema & TV festivals now and the reactions are quite strong. I was just thinking about the release of his album «Bad» and how, at the time, the word ‘bad’ meant ‘good’. It was a rappers thing and even my students would say ‘bad’ for ‘good’. You know, I’m bad, I’m bad was really saying I’m good, I’m good.
Well, it turns out that ‘bad’ meant ‘bad’ after all.
It’s a good job, though, that he wasn’t black. Otherwse he would have ended up in prison.
Now we know why he did everything to stop being black. White people never go to prison in the US.

In Russia, a naked man was arrested in Moscow after trying to board a plane while shouting about how clothes made him less agile and aerodynamic.
(What? Was he planning on flying himself through the air?)
Eyewitnesses said the man passed through checks at Domodedovo Airport before suddenly taking off all his clothes and running on to the jet bridge, which connects airport terminals to planes.
He was arrested by the police, who no doubt looked to avoid any physical contact. I mean, what would you do in those circumstances? 
The other passengers said the man did not appear drunk.
So what’s the criterion now that allows us to be naked in public?

To escape from the boredom of the gilets jaunes, the French thought up something that would divert attantion elsewhere.
The plan is to privatise the shops and in Lourdes that sell holy water and religious trinkets.
Since the arrival of the Virgin there with instructions that the locals should ‘sell! sell! sell!’… the real third secret of Lourdes… or was that Fatima?
Up to now, the rights to sell! sell! sell!  were given to local families for minimal rent as a way to distribute the wealth brought to the small French town by pilgrims travelling from around the world.
No longer! The Jesus trade was not bringing in enough money, so, the local council now wants to sell the shops to private owners in order to pay off municipal debt.
Josette Bourdeu, the town’s left-wing mayor, is anticipating a windfall of at least a million pounds from an initial round of sales this year – with more to follow in subsequent years.
Why do I think that this will all end in tears?
Lourdes attracts more than six million visitors a year and many purchase bottles of holy water, statuettes of the Virgin Mary and rosaries, all signed by the Virgin herself, along with signed photographs of the Virgin and Jesus.
Trust the communists to make money out of the emblem of the poor.
All the same!

During Saddam’s reign (yet another anecdote from those years) they developed the SCUD missile, or they misdeveloped the SCUD missile. These missiles were so «accurate» that they not only missed their target every time, but they also missed the country towards which they were launched. I mean, how do you miss an entire country?
Hello to British Airways, whose passengers were mistakenly flown to Edinburgh rather than Dusseldorf last week.
An honest mistake, you shout.
They are blaming this one on a «paperwork error».
And there was I thinking… incompetence. In between Scotland and Germany there are France, Belguim, Holland..
not just missing a target…
I am all for giving work to minority groups, but blind pilots???

It’s been reported this week that some parents have taken to using a tutoring service for themselves so that they could understand what their children were learning and could help them with their homework. That would never have occurred to me. After all, one of the points of school was that my children were supposed to learn stuff from teachers that I didn’t.

Nasa is offering people €15,000 to spend 60 days in bed as part of a study in bodily deterioration; a job I could literally do with my eyes shut. Sure, there are certain indignities to be endured – you’re not allowed to get out of bed even to go to the toilet – but I’ve suffered far worse and €7K a month is not to be dismissed. Also, on the plus side, I could read and rewatch the entire series of GoT. Where’s that address again?

As regards the parody of the parody that is this week’s Brexit..  anyone still breathing in the UK should go  home and overdose
That sums up the last three years there. .
Teresa May, decided then to take a theme from the Romans… immortalised by Shakespeare… and fall on her sword.
Except that she missed.
I can just imagine an ordinary British person watching on and hoping that this is all a bad dream and then, waking up in panic saying… I’m going to snap my fingers and all of this will all go away as if nothing happened.
One, Two, Three – SNAP!
….. Fuck it, SNAP!

Are we having drinks tis week?
I should bloody well hope so!
Just indicate which evening.

love and blessings to all and sundry

In a cloud of Guinness

Sorry for being late!
My finger still works but I will use the right one mainly over the next few days.

I have to start with a quote from Mark Twain. «It is easier to fool the people than to get them to admit that they have been fooled.»
How often every day does this adage prove to be true?
Answer: in every news report on anything, everywhere.
Let’s check…

Who votes for the Orange Shit Gibbon?, you ask. Well, just about everyone in the US. That doesn’t make them all stupid, just unwilling to admit that they were taken in by someone who is actually stupid.
You will remember the Gulf war when the USA «coalition» moved into Irak, deposed Saddam and replaced him with worse and allowed the «Imperial Guard» of Saddam to go away and form the Daesh.
Anyway, there was one genuinely funny moment for history amongst all the bloodshed. The minister for publicity, sorry, information, under Saddam was Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf. Meanwhile, Saddam’s brother, Ali Hassan al-Majid, was the minister of defence who dropped lethal gases on the Kurds. For this he was nicknamed «Chemical Ali».
On the day that the Information minister was standing on a platform in the centre of Bagdad announcing to reporters from everywhere that the Americans had been repulsed with great success at the border, several American army vehicles drove over the cross-road directly behind him. When the reporters, laughing with incredulity, tried to point this out to him, he just got more animated and continued to shout that the imperial pigs would never enter Irak He did not look over his shoulder.
For this reason, he was known from then on as Comical Ali.
Why do I mention this?
Well, Drumpf has been busy impersonating Comical Ali.
After his latest great success/humiliation (delete as required) negociating with Kimical Un of North Korea, he was told by a reporter during a press conference that the Koreans were again building launch pads for more nuclear missiles. There were even satelite pictures. He replied that Kim would not do that. He said «I would be very, very disappointed in Chairman Kim, and I don’t think I will be, but we’ll see what happens.» More Comical Ali than idiot? You decide!
In any case, who would admit that they were wrong in voting for him?

I watched another video of him being interviewed by two reporters from the southern states at the start of his mandate as POTUS. The two men were of the episcopalian religious right. They read the Bible and take it literally.
What’s your favourite book? asked one of them.
Oh, I would have to say the Bible, of course, anounced the Shit Gibbon to loving religious applause from the loving religious audience.
Wonderful!, the two men cooed, and what is your preferred book in the Bible?
Panic on the Shit Gibbon’s face as he looked to simultaneously dissimulate his complete ignorance of the book in question, try to remember or even invent a possible plausible title and, to find some excuse for not answering.
This was already excruciatingly embarrassing, but about to get worse.
After weakly and lengthily prevaricating, they changed tack and asked for his favourite passage from the Bible.
I was already laughing out loud at this point because if he couldn’t think of a book of the Bible, what hope had he of guessing a line?
I prefer not to say, he eventually replied, it is too personal. And repeated it like the terrible actor that he is.
And the two credulous fools asking the questions believed him.
Finally, when the program time was running out and you could see the relief on the Shit Gibbon’s face that the ordeal was just about over, they suddenly added in one last question just before the credits rolled.
You could see he was having difficulty controlling his sphinctor at this stage.
«Are you an Old Testament man or a New Testament man?», the interviewer asked, with a big friendly and genuine smile on his stupid face.
Silence and panic.
Cringe-meter exploding..
Oh, I’m 50 – 50 answered the Shit Gibbon with fake gravitas.
Roll credits!
So, tell me, is Mark Twain right?  Would you admit to having been fooled by the fool-in-chief?

In a week when the only plane stories were of the Boeing 737 Max 8 disaster, you might have missed another little tale of a woman who should only be given soft toys. Her Malaysia-bound plane had to turn back to Saudi Arabia after a she realised she had left her baby in the terminal. I am not making this up.
The pilot had to request a turn around, something only allowed in life threatening emergency.
The video of him calling air traffic control is worth a look if you can find it. However, it disappeared from the source site some days ago.
“May God be with us. Can we come back?” says the pilot. You could sense the state of astonishment of the air traffic controller, wondering if this was real or a joke. You can just about hear him conferring with others around him about what to do. He says again, loudly,
“This flight is requesting to come back. A passenger forgot her baby in the waiting area, the poor thing.”
The flight turned back.
Felix, count your kids when you are next taking the plane!
That woman didn’t count. One…. One….. One….  Count them… One. How difficult is that?

France now and expansion…
The O’Tacos phenomenon. This chain of shite «food», or just shite, is a French thing. These fast food dumps are opening everywhere selling vomit in a dough covering. The smell from the street causes me to cross the road to avoid it.
Apparently the O’Tacos chain are expanding fast and a lot. While journalists marvel at this great success, I wonder at their job titles. I usually expect journalists to investigate.
So far, all they have researched is that these shite fast foods hovels started in Grenoble after «three school friends got together with an idea».
This is where I started to get a bad feeling.
The tacos joints started among the north African community as a front for laundering drugs money. The cheapest of shite sold cheaply. There is no way that they could have the financial turnover that they claim. They don’t have 10000 customers par day.
Now, with the strong rise in drug selling all over Europe (this is taking on unheard of proportions according to a police friend of mine here) there is a need for more and more money laundering outlets.
The kebab and taco shops.
A simple glance will tell you first. Then the vile smell will inform you of the «quality» of what is being sold.
Teenagers buy this shite because it is cheap and filling.
But then, so is cement.
And the drugs keep being sold.
My arse!
At best, inept… at worst, complicit. 
Another example of fools who prefer to believe the nonsense rather than admit they got it wrong.

Still in France…
You think despairingly that Spain is far too interested in football?
A football-mad couple in south-west France have been barred from naming their son “Griezmann Mbappe”.
An old French student of mine from my Guildford days married a family judge, He sent this to me some weeks ago but I missed the email until last week.  They live and work in Brive-la-Gaillarde, a town so devoid of normal life that you could make science fiction films there about a hidden alien takeover of humanity by just filming in the street on any given day. His wife just got famous for legally stripping the baby boy of his two first names, nearly five months after his birth. The local authorities referred the parents to prosecutors as they deemed their choices of name were damaging for the child. Yes, it took that long.
His parents have now decided to call him Dany Noe instead.
Checking this on-line on the official government site threw up some gems. The most striking name of all to have been deemed illegal was “Jihad”.
I mean, who the fuck?

Political correctness gone mad again in the US.
Democratic presidential contender Beto O’Rourke acknowledged making mistakes as a teenager. But then, who hasn’t made mistakes in their teenage years?
During a political podcast in Iowa (which makes Almendralejos seem positively cosmopolitan) he addressed criticism of his campaign-trail joke that his wife, Amy, has raised their three kids “sometimes with my help”.Okay, fun good humour on the campaign trail.Then all of a sudden he was fiercely criticised as being insensitive to the challenges faced by single parents raising children.Outrage! Outrage!! I want, nay, demand to be outraged.
And he apologised?

Three Michael Jackson fan groups are suing his alleged victims in France for “sullying his memory” by taking part in the «Leaving Neverland» documentary.
Okay, he was a chronic paedophile but you shouldn’t say bad things about him, right?
The Michael Jackson Community – which claims to be the “official fan club forum” – and the MJ Street and On The Line groups accuse the Robson Wade and James Safechuck (the two sexually abused by Jackson when children) of “lynching” Jackson.
Their pay off money must have run out then.

Let’s move south…
Hundreds of thousands of demonstrators have protested across Algeria for a fourth consecutive Friday, as the country’s political elite began distancing themselves from the «ailing 82-year-old president, Abdelaziz Bouteflika».
He has decided to not run for the presidency, they announced as a result.
The thing is that he is, medically, a vegetable.
I mean, he has no operating physical functions beyond the machine that keeps him vaguely alive. Just like several USSR leaders in the past and Michael Schumacher now.
The coterie of money men running the country using him as a front, are now busy looking for a new popular and highly complicit candidate.
Good luck with that in Algeria, boys!

Headline of the week from the Guardian yet again…
«I met my girlfriend’s parents – and realised I once slept with her father»
with the sub headline:
«She is everything to me and I was going to propose – but now he has told me to end it with her»
I first thought that it referred to a lesbian affair but I was wrong. It was a man talking. Who is this bloke?

In the US they are asking about weak academic students with money who can get into top colleges easier than poor students who are excellent academically.
The British are asking, without a hint of self-awareness or irony if there are any mediocre students getting into Oxford or Cambridge.
Given that quite a significant number of the most idiotic ministers and ex-ministers (all supporting Brexit, not at all surprisingly) in the present UK government are graduates of both of these universities, the question is answered.
And I, along with many others, ask: how did these eejits ever get through a university cursus?
Fooled by these people? I wouldn’t admit it either.

As you no doubt know, Proxima Centauri is the closest star to our own sun, at around four light years away. It’s believed that Proxima Centauri has at least one planet in its orbit that may have conditions close to those of Earth. In four years time, the lucky inhabitants of that planet will be picking up tv and radio signals from the news/parliament channels of Brexit Britain, 2019. They are in for an unparalleled comedy treat when they start to watch the ridiculous carry-on over Brexit in the absurd UK House of Commons.
So, at that point, not only will Britain be an international laughing-stock, it’ll be an intergalactic one, too.

My seriously too great intake of Guinness last night prevents me from further concentration.Blessings and ardour be heaped upon you allf

Meanwhile, in the real world

We’re doomed! The world is coming to the end!!!!
That’s what the scientists worryingly tell us. And what do they do to show us the imminence of the danger?
They show us a clock.
A clock!
And with midnight as the instant of doom, «we are two minutes from the end», they scream. «We have to do something now», they plead.
And the general reaction?
The reason is easy to see. The only clock we know from childhood is the one in Cinderella and that midnight gong turned out well in the end. That won’t give us any nightmares.
I am proposing a new image to wake us up.
A toilet roll.
And there are only two sheets left.
And we are just realising that we ate a huge curry yesterday.
Now, if that doesn’t cause a sense of panic within us, then we deserve to disappear as a species.

You can get up in the mornings, deal with kids, go to work, try to deliver in exchange for your salary, look to enjoy life in general, the drinks, the company, the food..; you know, living.
And when you do that, you reasonably think that all is okay within your own world, even if the shit is flying left, right and centre beyond your little sphere.
But that’s not the way it goes these days. We have social media. We have opinions. We have outrage!!!! And it flows all over us whether we like it or not.
The message comes through load and clear: fuck facts, fuck knowledge, fuck science!
I mean, who needs that stuff?
There’s the Orange Shit Gibbon, Brexit, Bolsonaro, the Catalans, the right wing Italians, the Poles and Hungarians, the Catalans… populist opinion is all the counts.
Relying on feelings used to be a sign of intellectual feebleness (it still is in my book) but we have now reached some strange point in our evolution where emotions are prioritised over logic and fact.

So let’s get this rant off to a proper start…

Controversy is the thing. Every brain-dead moron wants to get involved in order to demonstrate their moral credentials and feel important.
How does one feel important now?
Not by doing something, or being depended on to do something.
You do so by having an opinion (without any form of Aristotlean syllogistic logic that might lead to it) and getting outraged.

I couldn’t avoid the Oscars the other night, or rather the next day, when various excerpts flooded the news reports. Every speach by any actor clearly showed them to be terrified of saying the wrong thing.
The Oscars were supposed to be presented by a guy named Kevin Hart but he made a joke several years ago about gays. A joke. That was him finished.
One journalist wrote about him and said he should realise that «what you say has consequences» and he deserved all the trouble he got.
What, are we living through the Inquisition?

We are drifting into Spring and thoughts of young couples are floating (like turds in a bath) towards marriage.
A moment here please as I vomit….
Listening to these eejits (a very Irish word that can be translated by the word idiot, but is in fact much worse) and their plans on the radio recently, I was struck by the number who were going to IKEA in order to furnish their first home. IKEA!
Hang on… I feel the need to vomit again at the memory of these people…
Personally, I hate that place with all of my rational being. I vehemently and viscerally avoid the place and those who think it a great day out.
How poor is your life if a day in IKEA represents any form of pleasure?
However, after a few years of inevitably unsatisfying marriage, the same people will end up being dragged there by the other spouse, with all the enthusiasm of emptying bins, for yet another forced guided visit to the bland, sterile and boring produce. This will break even the strongest will and divorce is only a short number of visits away. The contribution to divorce stastics by these Swedes must be frighteningly impressive. They should change their publicity:
IKEA, voted number one in the world by «Places to End your Marriage» magazine.

And how is it possible to get your head around the report that a man (apparently living in the community without minders!) managed to consume half a tub of paint that he thought was…. yoghurt?
There are too many questions there that have no answers.

And in the Canary islands, what possessed the children’s clown to dress up in a mask and carry a gun to a swimming pool party?
Did he actually wonder why everybody was running away in complete panic?

And now that the Oscars have bored the whole world, the Olympics organisers are desperate to get us outraged. The IOC are seriously considering including surf boarding (where do you get the wave conditions?), surfing (same question) and, get this… breakdancing in the next Games.

Yeah, sport! Speaking of which…. it is the recommended solution to being over-stressed. At least get out for a brisk walk with a sense of purpose, say the doctors.
I tried that and it got me as far as the fridge. Three cold beers later and the stress just went away like snow in a fire.

The Orange Shit Gibbon was made a fool of by the North Korean Hair Cut again. That was to be expected, I know, and the authoroties in Hanoi suspected the same thing. In the two weeks before the summit (or trough, really) they banned all Trump and Kim impersonators from entering the entire region around Hanoi. What was the point in that? I wondered, and then it struck me… they were half hoping that they would somehow «accidentally» stop the real pair from entering too.

On an Air France flight last week, a man in his 40s or 50s decided he couldn’t get comfortable with his trousers on. So he took them off. He stood in the aisle and took off his shoes and then his trousers and resumed his seat while wearing his boxer shorts. There are images on the news sites.
Despite the shock of surrounding passengers, the air hostesses seemed entirely unconcerned. And it isn’t that he was a fine specimen of buff manhood, he was over-weight and the boxers were not exactly attractive. After about an hour he obviously felt cold. The nearby passengers assumed that their view of the world would return to fully dressed. But they were wrong. The man stood up and got his coat. He put that on and zipped it up.. And then sat down again and went back to sleep.
Did he snore too?
And I used to always complain about having every fat sweaty guy sitting beside me on the train who would fall slowly asleep on my shoulder. At least they had their trousers on.

The pro-Brexit fools in the UK are starting to get a taste (pun intended) of what is to come in any American trade deal. The Americans want no restrictions on their food exports into Britain, many of which are banned in the European Union.
They will have to welcome growth hormone fed beef and pork and chlorinated chicken. They are also fed a lot of anti-biotics which remain in «circulation» for years with undesirable consequences. But the politicos are desperate for the money and will sign anything. They are worse, far worse, than the Gurtel gang but they will get away with it.
I looked up some facts about why the US chickens are banned in Europe and it makes for a sort of schadenfreude* on my part anyway.
(* get a dictionary if you don’t know it)

The quotes from the medical journals are in italics…

US chickens have more than tripled in size since 1957.
[Was Frankenstein involved?]
The birds cost 20 per cent less than British chickens,
[Obviously they are also healthier, right?]
Major poultry producers have cross-bred and interbred birds in recent decades to create ‘mutant’ chickens which grow larger in a shorter space of time and need less feed.
[So, which of you will be temporary vegetarians next time you visit the USA?]
‘These chickens grow far too large too quickly and they cannot move around. They end up sitting in their own waste.’
[The UK politicians are knowingly pushing this trade deal.]
The animals bring more faecal matter to the slaughterhouse with them, posing the food safety risk which requires the birds to be washed in chlorine or similar chemicals.
[Be afraid! Be very afraid!!]
However, the US poultry industry maintains that its birds are healthier than ever.
Christ! What were these Franken-chickens like before?

But there are worse things to find in your belongings.
One woman returned to Scotland from a holiday in Australia to discover a snake hidden in one of her shoes.
You are tired after a 15000 km journey and all you want to do is sleep… just as soon as you have emptied the cases. Aaarrrggghhh! It even shed its skin during the flight. This was a spotted python and is non-venomous.
It is in quarantine in Scotland. I don’t think the woman will be travelling south any time soon.

This caught my eye…
«A Wisconsin school is ending cheerleading awards given annually to girls with the largest breasts or buttocks — dubbed “Big Booty” and “Big Boobie” — after officials received repeated complaints from parents and a former coach.»
Straight onto googling Wisconsin cheerleaders.
Site down!
I would have applied to be a judge.

Meanwhile, US officials say they are probing whether President Donald Trump is rushing to sell sensitive nuclear technology to Saudi Arabia to please corporate supporters who stand to profit handsomely.
Sale! Sale! Sale! Everything must go!!
To go into the surreal, the Orange Shit Gibbon’s favourite television station, Fox News, has a reputation for giving airtime to conspiracy theories that benefit the White House agenda. One of his preferred TV hosts (Pete Hegseth) said on air that he doesn’t wash his hands and hasn’t done so in ten years.
I saw an excerpt of his show where he discussed eating day-old pizza that had not been refrigerated. He did not see any problem with that and then he said: “Really, I don’t really wash my hands ever.”
“I inoculate myself. Germs are not a real thing. I can’t see them, therefore they’re not real.”
What the fuck is he breathing?
This is the same news (news? Ha!) station that deliberately discusses climate change when the weather is particularly cold, helping the idiots to doubt over accepted science regarding rising global temperatures.

You have to almost feel sorry for the ordinary English man with any sort of education.  He will have a busy day at work, go home via poor public transport, catch up with the news….»Transport minister C Greyling latest fiasco costs taxpayers another 33 million», «Ex Brexit minister Dominic Raab again demonstrates complete lack of understanding about Ireland’s history and EU negotiations that he was responsible for», «US will screw UK in trade deal», «another one of Theresa May’s “hostile environment” immigration policies has been declared incompatible with human rights law»….
And this all happened in ONE day? (I just took a sample of the headlines on only one day last week.)
Ordinary English man with any sort of education needs a drink.
And they are asking why there is a drinking problem there?

A London rapper (I refuse to use such words as music or artist), Adetokunbo Ajibola (26), otherwise known by his stage name Trapstar Toxic, who spent the last year boasting publicly about possessing drugs… has been jailed for five years after being caught by police for drug possession.

I am alone here again and I think I will go and get some coffee.
Anyone available this early?

Blessings be heaped upon you all

A bonus

Travel writers just can’t avoid getting things wrong sometimes.
However, what are the chances of one (or three!!) of them getting almost everything wrong?
Over tea this morning at 7am, I came across this article in the Guardian newspaper, a serious organ, if you will allow me the pun after recent series of non-erotic images of the human body…. (which begs the important question… when do we get «Me and my arse»?)
Several things jumped out at me as I read the travel guide to Sevilla, because that’s what it is. Seriously, you have to read it yourselves, just so that you can see what others say about your town.
But just in case you don’t have the time right now, I will list some of the most awful comments… Oh, and before you think this is the work of visiting ‘guiris’, it isn’t. This was written by a ‘guiri’ living in Sevilla along with two local Sevillanos. Hard to believe that someone isn’t taking the piss.
Calle Feria features too much so we can guess what type of people did the writing.
The first «top tip» is the Viscaino, a bar much frequented in the distant past by Felix (and me while living nearby) over the years. It starts with the description of it being a «classic Sevillano watering hole visited by fedora-wearing veterans and hipsters». I have walked down that street many times over the past 33 years and not once have I seen anyone wearing a fedora. A fedora? In what century? Is this like the article about bring fried fish into Pepe’s for all to eat? A momumental pisstake! 
The authors write about the famous vermouth served there. I think they only serve it to gays. Everyone else is drinking beer or fino. It certainly isn’t vermouth.
«Traders and punters drink vermouth (and beer) and crunch olives.»Crunch? Olives?
Take the fucking stone out, you fool! You’re not supposed to eat the stone!
«Waiters chalk up tabs on the bar top, while the odd confused guiri (tourist) looks on in bewilderment»Not the only ones bewildered by the description.

The Guadalquivir riverside is next… and the ‘jardines del Guadalguivir’… during which visit you can «Wander its mazes, lily ponds and avenues of orange trees, before moseying back to Triana for cold beer and churros
Who, on this God’s Earth, has chorros with their beer? Or beer with their churros?
That’s how it reads, folks.
Christ!!Of course, after that you can «Take your spoils across the bridge to the warm golden flagstones opposite Calle Betis to watch the sunset.»
Seriously? I mean, seriously???

I have passed by the «bici» and I have seen the clientelle. Not for me, thank you! but it it is your idea of a buzz….

I’ll skip the next terndy visits and go to the Parque Maria Luisa… if you look at the image of Plaza de Espana, you might notice the colour of the reflections in the water. It really doesn’t match the surroundings. Some terrible photoshopping there, then.
As for having picnics in the park… never seen that either.

«Los Pajaritos (“the little birds”) ……..  This family-run, ….. since 1970, etc. Don’t be put off by the stern-looking bartenders; in kindly broken English they will soon make you feel like a regular.»Yeah, like a regular… That’ll be 45€ for the three beers please!
The Bodega Santa Cruz is included in the list and look at the image of the bar. I recognise the camarero… he used to work in Dos de Mayo (or the version in Alfalfa).

As for vegan food…  and what exactly is a vegan breakfast? Tostada and coffee?
Can you imagine going to a vegan restaurant? As joyless an evening as the probable company.

Here’s the link:

Further blessings on you allf

I forgot this

I inadvertently missed out on some other gems from the little boy misister of defence in the UK… you know the one with the supermarket drones as a war strategy who wants to send a big boat with no planes to the Pacific to warn China…
 Well, in another speech last week about Russia and the Cold War, he described it as ‘The Cool War’.
Cool! said Bart Simpson upon realising that he knew more than the minister about anything.
Said minister suggested loading guns on tractors as a way of stretching the shrinking defence budget.
But the best one refers to Spain and Gibralter… he suggested firing paint-balls to prevent Spanish fishing ships from trespassing into Gibraltar’s waters.
Paint balls??????????????
Be afraid, world, be very afraid!

So he wins the «stunning idiot of the month» award for February. No one can be worse than this, can they?

My daughter in Cardiff has started to prepare for the Brexit by stockpiling food in her room. She isn’t the only one. All foreign students and staff at Cardiff university are doing the same.

With elections announced in Spain, I expect some form of clusterfuck to break the surface amongst the ambitious there.
But it is a pity that Spanish news papers do not openly portray the incompetence of politicians there. Too respectful altogether!

Back next week with another dose of other people’s madness.


A real mess

And good morning to you all!
It seems that the sunshine and temperatures above those that would kill a semi-naked human within an hour are enough to allow one to imagine that one’s health is improving. But it’s all an illusion.
For this week, I have to mix things up and will not discuss sex at all. No doubt you are relieved after the pornographic onslaught of last week. I cannot avoid Brexit, or rather the quality of minister in her majesty’s government, but will also visit Spain, Kondo-mania, happiness and other things. So let’s get the British out of the way first, since I have not mentioned them much in recent weeks. The point is that no matter how bad you think things are where you live, it is often a lot worse elsewhere.
And as a bonus, I will not be mentioning the Orange Shit Gibbon either.

Concerning the British, it isn’t their failing Brexit that interests me but the utter stupidity of the crown ministers. In the past, these guys were at the top of the diplomatic tree and showed their worth against any international opposition (whether they were against us or with us at any given time). I didn’t like them but had to admit that they were formidable intellects.
Well, that’s all changed and radically so.
So far we have had the female minister who complained that the Europeans were treating the British unfairly by not allowing them seats in the European parliament after Brexit, no representation of the various European Union councils, no Euro-deputes, no use of European funds… again, after Brexit. Please try and get your head around that one. I am still slightly bewildered.
This was followed by the next idiot who claimed that he could simply go to Dublin and get an Irish passport by asking for one, and only because he is 100% British, with no connection at all to Ireland. He must be delirious in his personal fantasy world.
There were the Brexit ministers David Davies and the even more stupid Dominic Raab and now there’s another one whose name I don’t know. Tusk’s and Barnier’s comments about them were careful so as not to be seen as insulting those intellectually deficient people who suffer from accidental or genetic disorders. These ministers are almost a new prototype of single brain cell entities.
Then we had the present misister of transport who gave 20 million Euro to a «shipping company» who had no ships, no staff, no experience, no contacts and no permission to use the two harbours in question to ship goods. He is also previously responsible as minister for prisons for stopping the inmates having access to books. I am not making ths up.
However, in the race to see who is the most incompetant and most useless minister… and the most stupid, we have a new contender… «the minister for war… sorry, the minister for defence». That verbal piece of sarcasm was spoken yesterday by the Russian minister for defence, Lavrov.
This particular minister (name : Gavin Willianson) is worth googling just to get a look at him. He makes a complete break with the British diplomatic past by looking like someone who graduated three years ago from a low ranked university, last in his class, with a degree in selling insurance or second hand cars. When I looked up his past just now (having typed that), I was actually shocked – and not shocked – to learn that he was actually a fire-place salesman before he went into politics. Not shocked that it’s true as that’s what he appears as and totally shocked that anyone on the planet at any time in human history would give him a job as defence minister for the UK.  It is impossible to accord his face any credibility. You just know, that since he was named defence minister, he has been spending as much time as possible alone in his office making plastic model aeroplanes and tanks and ships. He knows that they are British models because it says so on the boxes. He would then be playing with them as if he were Lord Commander of the air force, the fleet, the army, charging at the Russians, the Chinese, the Americans and the Europeans and beating them all… in his little boy’s imagination.
His real world stupidity comes in with the award of 9 million pounds for the purchasing of «drones, to fight against the enemy, waves and waves of drones». That’s a fucking quote!!!!! Fortunately he didn’t go as far as to specify the enemy in question… just imagine the consequences! Well, he wouldn’t be a contender for the most stupid boy in the world if that were still the case.
He also misunderstood the types of drone needed by the military. He was basing his «calculations» of the drones cost by what you can buy on the internet or in a supermarket, you know, the little ones, with cameras. The military ones cost a lot more, a lot lot more. What he also didn’t work out was that each drone needs a human operator to control it. Sending in a thousand drones against this imaginary enemy would require as many operators. One army general at the official meeting was heard to mutter the word «idiot» while rolling his eyes to the Heavens. But things never stop with the first mistake, or the tenth, or the twentiest, in this case. His pronouncement last week that he would send the new British aircraft carrier (which, incredibly, has no planes yet, but are you really surprised?) to the Pacific to keep the Chinese in check and show them that the British mean business when others are being naughty. He actually said «the UK [was] prepared to use lethal force to deter countries that flout international law.You have to ask: Is he living in the year 1850? Or is he abusing the opium? Or is his IQ the same as his age?
Amidst the guffaws of some and the despair of others, the Chinese responded.
They hinted at their displeasure. That is a serious rebuke by their standards in case you don’t have experience of how the Chinese operate diplomatically. The follow-up was announced yesterday (Saturday) when they told the British Chancellor of the Exchequer (one of the only strong and educated minds in the present government) that his long planned visit to China to discuss trade agreements after Brexit was … cancelled, just two days before he was due to travel.
Meanwhile, the boy minister for defence is planning his next move against someone else, maybe the Russians.

Please understand, I am not making any of this up. It is all real and it all happened. I am not even exaggerating. I wouldn’t dare as the reality is just too awfully funny.

But Brexit is a success according to their Trade minister (a man named Fox who has a penchant for sharing a bed with his male business friend while on government business trips, just to save money for the country… yeah, right!) Having announced that there would be at least 40 countries ready and willing to sign advantageous trade deals with the UK after Brexit, he just announced that he had signed a follow-on deal with … the Faroe Islands. He even urged everyone to celebrate his achievement. When it was pointed out to him that all other countries were sticking with the European trade agreements with the EU and didn’t really care about the post-Brexit UK, he immediately claimed that the Japanese had be told by the European Union to not make any deals with Britain. I would love to have seen Barnier’s and Tusk’s faces when they heard that one. Apparently the Japanese are none too pleased either with the British comment.

Having followed all this with morbid fascination, I’d be astonished if any of them could tie their own shoe laces.
But enough of that depressing yet fatally amusing nonsense!

In fact, the best way to describe the whole thing is to consider them like the crew of the Titanic deciding, by themselves, that the iceberg really must get out of the way.
Good luck with that!

I see that the Catalan gang who are now on trial have been giving indirect interviews via family and lawyers about how they have all become born again Catholics. They all (with one exception) go to Mass regularly, one of them even got married in prison, and they are generally now all pious.
Prison does that, you might be given to say.
I don’t.
For me this is their play to become allies with Vox, the ultra right wing party of zenophobes. They were obviously made for each other.

Combining both Spain and Britain next, and this is what you will not be missing when they have gone…

A flight from Glasgow to Malaga had to be diverted after a fight broke out on board. The Ryanair (who else??) plane landed in Madrid where a disruptive passenger was met by Spanish police on Thursday evening.
The flight then continued its journey to Malaga.
The fight started when one drunk man started pestering women in a hen party. None were sober, really.
Two men were trading punches in a full fist fight in the aisle … in a plane…. in mid-air!!!  Even more incredibly, the cabin crew had to ask the passengers for help. That’s when the drunken women tried to «help». Only on Ryanair and only the British.
Complete chaos at the back of the plane. I wonder how they are now enjoying their holiday in Malaga.

Forget about these American serial killers that they make films about. Russian police are investigating whether an 80-year-old woman is a serial killer after her lodger’s dismembered body parts were found in her fridge. The retired farm worker was arrested after the 52-year-old victim’s remains were discovered. Who discovered them? Another lodger? (I want a cool beer… opens fridge door… grinning head looking back out from among the beer cans.)
The investigating detectives suspect she could be linked to the disappearance of up to seven people.
What was she doing? Eating them? Serving them up to new lodgers?
The arrested woman reportedly slaughtered pigs as part of her farm work and since burning human flesh gives off a smell similar to pork… I don’t want to think about that one any more.

No one seems quite sure whether Raphael Samuel, the anti-natalist from India who plans to sue his parents for having been born without his consent, is for real or not. My natural cynicism makes me think that his logic is somewhat fragile. Does he want his parents to kill him? Does he want the right to officially be considered not to exist for tax purposes? Is he writing a book?
Personally, I hope that his parents retaliate by counter-suing him for being an ungrateful miserable bastard and not the son for which they had hoped.
Or maybe not…. There must have been plenty of times when my parents felt like suing me for damages.
Thinking more about this, who can I sue for the fact that one day I am going to die?

Research from the Resolution Foundation (that can only be American) uncovered the curious finding that people are at their happiest at the ages of 16 and 70. Given how crap my life was when I was at 16, I will not comment on the second date until I get to 70, if I do. I can’t imagine that I will be taking month long cruises to fill in the time but I will ensure that I won’t be spending time with people with much more money than me. How depressing would that be?
I don’t know about you lot at 16 but I spent most of my time hiding in the shadows of my own life, desperately wishing I was someone else. I was a spy in school (I groan with embarrassment thinking about it now still), an undiscovered footballer who would win the world cup (yeah, with no ability, no vision, no potential and no hope, I was going to go far.), a unique boy with X-ray vision (you don’t really think I was normal, do you?) and a future Pope (an actual possibility compared to the previous).
I don’t know when I grew up. 

Not only the Eurovision, but the Grammys, the Oscars, the Baftas, the Goyas and whatever French version they have, are all coming up soon. With no television I can avoid all that shit. But you can’t, can you? You all have televisions.
And someone in your house is going to be watching them… and you will just fall in line and watch them too.
But why?
Not only do these programs invariably overrun in time, all you get are people you’ve sometimes heard of give rambling acceptance speeches, thanking people you’ve certainly never heard of. The format is numbingly predictable. A bad joke, someone reading out the four nominations, a few clips of the show in question and then the winner is announced. Repeat for four hours, ending with a lifetime achievement award for someone the organisers think is getting old and might die soon.
Why? Why? Why, Lord, why???

And speaking of losing the will to live, I get to Marie Kondo…..  the latest in a long line of people put on this earth to make others feel bad about themselves. Do not deny that you have heard about this ordeal of a person. I am also willing to bet that you are taking her seriously.
Step back please and try to get your head around the idea that being tidy is not the invention of Marie Kondo.
Her plan is to SELL you order (rather than disorder) so that your life will take on order too, so she says. If your wardrobe is all nice and ordered, your emotional life will benefit.
An orderly home is an orderly life.
The fuck? Such bollox!
Just throw out all those things you don’t use any more…. books, kitchen impliments, tools, clothes, shoes, bags, pictures, furniture, knives, forks, plates, cups, glasses, food, cars, beds, rooms, phone numbers, addresses, CDs houses, jobs, husbands, wives, ungrateful children, grandparents… aaaarrrggghhh Throw away everything!!!! Just think of how happily ordered your life will be afterwards!
The only thing you end up throwing away is the money you spent on her books.
The French have bought into this too, as well as the Spanish, the Irish, the English, the Americans (of course), but not, apparently, the Japanese. Or the North Koreans… though that may have to do with the fact that they own nothing and therefore have nothing to throw away.
The secretary in the department was watching a video on-line this week and I watched for five minutes, coldly and with morbad fascination (again).
Watching Kondo kneel on the floor, patiently teaching stressed out middle class parents how to fold a T-shirt (for fuck sake!!!!), fills me with something closer to eternal sadness for humankind. She just doesn’t seem to have any problems in her life at all. What’s hidden?

The idea of «sparking joy in the world through tidying” is such bullshit that I get angry just thinking about it. Why is it that the neuroscientists have been pointing out that untidy people are usually the sharpest intellects?
Well, they tidy ones are, by extension, idiots. Or Brexit ministers.
Have you picked up items in your homes recently and looked at them with the question: does this spark joy in my life?
If the answer is no, then throw it out!
Applying the same idea to friends and family is not suggested in her drivel, though it is the only one that would bring any happiness to anyone.
The KonMari method (as it is called) also claims that couples can deepen their ties through tidying, but, personally, I can’t be arsed with that. Go on, start sharing the tidying with your husband, wife or special friend. The fight starts within five minutes… don’t put that there, you didn’t clean here, that’s not mine, I’m not cleaning up after you and so on. Horror!

Let’s face it… this is nothing other than Obsessive Compulsive Disorder being sold as an advantage to life. It isn’t.

And I like collecting things. Even clothes from 40 years ago. And toys from 50 years ago. And Christmas decorations from 100 years ago.
And when I see this type of normal desire for having a clean house being appropriated by someone in order to make money, I just want to make a mess.

I hope you enjoyed this weeks untidy mess.
love and dirt to you all

And I’m looking forward to all those beers soon. Make a gap in your untidy calendars please!