The reel McCoy

Lies and liars. Who isn’t or doesn’t? I mean, you ask anyone if the masturbate and they lie. Then they say they don’t lie.
For the past week we have had the lies of Casado, Sanchez, Iglesias, all the mad Catalans, The Orange Shit Gibbon, May, Macron, the Saudi prince who murders, Matteo, Putin,… Basically, everyone who has direct or indirect power and influence over our lives is lying.
No respite.
So thank God for the Irish and the lie of the century…
When we think about ourselves, we know that lies are occasionally required for school, work, relationships … we are all of us guilty… but sometimes they’re necessary for calling off a football game because a member of the team is not available. Yes, this is about the slightly ill-thought out (he said with remarkable restraint) strategy of the village football team Ballybrack FC in looking to get their weekend game called off. And of course it is all the fault of their Spanish player Fernando Nuno La-Fuente. This is a student living temporarily in Ireland and who changed accommodation without telling everyone first.  He wasn’t at the usual address and the club «strategist» assumed he had finished his studies and gone back to Spain (in November?). Not bright people, these football types! So, to avoid playing their great rivals Arklow Town, they announced that poor Fernando was dead, as in dead, not alive any more. I mean, what could go wrong with this inventive excuse? And the game was duly cancelled. But some things have a way of back-firing spectacularly. The players of Arklow town were saddened and decided to inform the local press…. who then contacted the national press… and then the Spanish Embassy… and the British newspapers got hold of the story… The French newspapers, German, and on and on.. until, after two or three days, the student read about his own death in a newspaper. No one in his new accommodation or village would have known who he was and wouldn’t have been surprised to see him in the street. Had he appeared in his old accommodation, there would have been mass hysteria, the dead have risen again. This whole thing could have been more easily solved had they said that their team players were all too ill to play and hope for a cancellation. It would be a lie of course, but it is still better than going straight to the «he’s dead” plan.
The fun part is that the matter was brought up at this week’s FIFA meeting.
Well, that one got a bit out of hand, all right.
Fernando himself has appeared on television claiming to be alive. He had a huge smile on his face too.

The best thing is not to go straight to death as an excuse. That should be the golden rule for lying to hide something. Practised liars have to learn that particular lesson along the way (Ballybrack FC know that now, for sure).

However, in fairness, if I had to pick between pretending to be dead, or playing for Ballybrack, I’d chose the former every day of the week.

But this is not a new tactic. There was a well-known footballer playing for Manchester City 7 or 8 years ago by the name of Stephen Ireland. What else could he have been called? He was so full of himself playing for Manchester City that he no longer felt he wanted to play international football for little Ireland. But he didn’t want to harm his image in front of the fans. So, his plan for getting out of playing for the Republic of Ireland was to claim that his grandmother had died. On a number of occasions.
It was when he reached the total of 3 grandmothers that the Irish Football Association became a bit more suspicious. The two grandmothers (alive and well) were not necessarily amused either, though whether they were more annoyed at the possibility of there being a third grandmother (what skeletons were in those closets?) or being told they were dead, is unknown.

We Irish are awful at lying because we don’t get any practice due to our parents’ uncanny ability to see through every story. However, when lying on a huge scale, the Irish are masters. Emmigrant sons and daughters (or uncles, in my family’s case) would come home on holiday from England with new suits and gifts telling everyone they were fine, when they were all hired clothes that had to be returned and/or bought with expensive loans. These people were actually semi-destitute being served a half a fried egg by miserable English landladies in hideous accommodations the rest of the year.
I suppose too that the people at home wanted to believe that their own kids etc were really fine.
Even I used to lie about being fine while doing my thesis. I would spend weeks living on raw red cabbage and a baguette each evening. The women in the heavily subsidised canteen used to take pity on me and give me extra food at lunch. At weekends I had extra cabbage.

Now I end up thinking of Bill Clinton (possibly because George Bush has died) and about when he was asked in court about his affair with Monica Lewinsky.
He said, and I quote,
..’there is not a sexual relationship, an improper sexual relationship or any other kind of improper relationship.’
He went on later to say
‘I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate.’
However he denied committing perjury because … the legal definition of oral sex is not sex per se.
Yes, good luck with explaining that one to your husband or wife.
Hilarious, eh?

Meanwhile, in Great Brexit, the minister for new foreign trade Liam Fox suddenly realised that the EU is an important market. He has signed no new deals. This guy also denies being gay, even though he was caught claiming expenses for travel (as a minister) that included lots of costs for his friend, a mister Werrity. They shared beds in single rooms together, as one does. I mean, what two men don’t share beds when travelling in a ministerial role?
The incredibly stupid ex-brexit minister, Dominic Raab was astonished to discover that Dover is a rather important port.
Andrew Bridgen was amazed to find that being English does not actually automatically entitle you to an Irish passport. ( And why should one need one anyway, when he can have a new blue British one? ).
David Davis mumbled something about the Irish border being a non border.
Karen Bradley, the minister for northern Ireland knew nothing about Northern Irish politics, and was happy to admit it. «I was really surprised to learn that protestants only vote for protestants and Catholics only vote for Catholics. And the Catholics are Irish nationalists and the Protestants are all unionists». This was after 6 months in the job.
Do you wonder why it is all going badly for the Brits?
Oh – and was it David Lidington (the number 2 in the Conservative party) who recently claimed that Britain could just pretend to still be part of the EU and simply keep Dover open as usual, temporarily, in the event of a no deal?
Such is the calibre of the politicians representing those people.
Now Argentina are about to make a play for the Malvinas since they have seen with profound wonderment the abysmally low IQ of the British parliament. What surprises me is that the Spanish government haven’t managed to get Gibralter in exchange for a packet of cheap cigarettes and a pint of warm beer. Oh, hang on… I forgot… it is Sanchez cum fraude who is in charge.

In comparison to the British government, Sanchez and Iglesias and Torra seem almost normal…
except that they are not. They are actually worse.

Across the Atlantic, a truly heroic level of dumb was witnessed last week.
A US ‘mommy blogger’ (yup, that’s a thing these days) provoked widespread ridicule when she admitted that one of her five kids just doesn’t get the same number of Instagram ‘likes’ as the rest.
This is true. I am not making it up.
Katie Bower became this week’s «Most WTF? Woman Ever» after she complained that pictures of her six-year-old son «never got as many likes as my other children».
She then produced what is perhaps the least maternal sentence ever written in the English language: «From a statistical point of view, he wasn’t as popular with everyone out there. Maybe part of that was the pictures just never hit the algorithm right. I say all that because I want to believe that it wasn’t him, that it was on me. My insufficiency caused this statistical deficit.»
For f u c k sake!!!!!!!!!
Many families have pet names for each other, but I imagine this is probably the first time any of us have seen a mother refer to her kid as a «statistical deficit».

Women, eh?
I am going to stop there as I am weary of the state of the world.
That and the fact that I can still laugh at the above.

I will add just one joke… this one is the only invention…

An elderly man is on his deathbed. Although he can feel the end is near, his senses are suddenly aroused by a wonderful aroma. He realises his loving wife of 60 years is baking his favourite cakes.
He finds the strength to drag his tired body to the kitchen and as his frail, withered hand reaches over to the table, he suddenly feels the whack of a wooden spoon on his knuckles as his wife barks, «Feck off, they’re for the funeral».

Please stay happy and hungry for news
I bid you both well.

the ever beleagured

Oh, and if you get the chance of having a coffee (not this week, but the week after) please remember those of us living in the cold and miserable winter climate.

.Oh, and I will explain about the real McCoy next time

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