Reel me in, please

Ah good afternoon. We are in the midst of paper signing in Europe and they can all eff off as it is now officially the most boringly stupid event of offer this century.

Sorry for being late, but that is down to not putting on the alarm clock. I went to a party last night that included several members of the Algerian consulate and a few French people. All brought food, but I was the only one to actually make it and not buy it. It was Ulster pork, with a difference, as there were several Mahommedans present. Obviously I could not use pork so I used chicken. I did not attempt or consider attempting to replace the Jameson whiskey that is always added liberally. The dish was devoured by all and especially appreciated by my Mahommedan friends. As one of my children paraphrased it: Score: Jesus 1 – Mahommed 0.
I left early and walked back to the house. I was tired but unfortunately sober as the only wine was the bottle I brought (and which was consumed by the French present like camels dying of thirst).

In the end, I woke up late this morning and had some tea quickly and left to go and play football. To my recurring horror, there was no tram withing the time scale and I ended up running all the way to the stadium. It’s only 4km but seems a lot more. Then I played football (Maximilian was there too) and walked back in the company of the son for the most part.
Consider me exhausted.

So, what did you do this weekend? Were you tempted by Black Friday? There are no bargains because you can get the same things for cheaper in the same places at other times of the year according to Which? magazine. I didn’t even go into any shops.

However, there were some, albeit inadvertant, Black Friday bargains…
Three unusable water cannon bought by Boris Johnson when he was mayor of London have been sold for scrap, at a net loss of more than £300,000 each.
Johnson bought the crowd-control vehicles from the German police in 2014 (apparently they are still laughing), in anticipation of social unrest, without checking whether they could be used on London’s streets. In one of his most humiliating episodes as mayor the then home secretary Theresa May (before she bacame prime minister) banned them from use anywhere in England and Wales. It left London’s taxpayers with three expensive white elephants. In fact, he might have been better buying three elephants as they can also squirt water and can be used as tourist attractions.
Boris Johnson…. Is there no bad situation that he cannot make worse?

A report by academics from King’s College London and Harvard University, published in the British Medical Journal, has declared «Brexit-induced depression» to be a genuine psychiatric illness. It goes somewhat beyond boredom, then.

A lament from the radio… I was listening to a live phone-in program on BBC 4 during the week and this elderly man came on and said this…
«When I retired, I told myself ‘do not fear old age! Think of retirement as a beginning not an end! Think of this as an adventure! This could be the best part of your life if you just let it be’. Then came the 2016 referendum and the followong two years incredibly inept attempt of British politicians, and I thought to myself … oh, fuck!»
They had to apologise for allowing the comment through. They didn’t have the impresion that the gentleman in question was about to say fuck.
I laughed.

Personally, while shocked by the right wing nuts and what they are doing (Italy, UK, USA, Brazil, Hungary etc), I remain untouched by any of it. This suggests that my default positions of despair and futility at life in general are holding up very well.

In a first for warmer oceans, a pair of killer whales have been caught on film just a few miles off the coast of Dublin. The film footage was taken by crew aboard a fishing vessel six miles east of Rockabill last weekend.
Crew members state that the whales are «John Coe» and «Dopey Dick» of the Scottish West Coast Community group of killer whales.
WTF??? They have nemed for these things and can even recognise them?
I can’t even remember faces or names or just about anything after a few beers.
Aren’t whales all… similar?

I was looking at the analysis of the recent Senate vote in the US elections and came across this wonderful piece of information that just confirms the distopian nature of everything that the Orange Shit Gibbon touches.  The candidate Denis Hof was voted into the US Senate for the state of Nevada.
And this is news? you say.
Yes, because Denis Hof, a one time brothel owner, died three years ago. They actually voted a dead man to the Senate. What was the opposition like, you have to wonder. There are no protocols as for what to do next. Incredible!

And a quote from the Orange Shit Gibbon during the elections…. «I’ve kept promises that I didn’t even make».
I mean, seriously, this guy is in charge of America?????
He should be put in jail for fraud… the charge: attempting to impersonate intelligent life.

Asked what he was thankful for this year in the annual Thanksgiving presidential address, Trump cited his “great family” … as well as himself. “I made a tremendous difference in this country,” he said. “This country is so much stronger now than it was when I took office and you wouldn’t believe it and when you see it, we’ve gotten so much stronger people don’t even believe it.”
That’s an actual quote from what is traditionally a homage to the «little people» who work in their communities without payment or recognition. But it’s all about the Shit Gibbon.

An American man who was killed by an isolated tribe on a remote Indian island wrote to his parents hours before his death that he wanted to “declare Jesus” to the tribespeople”.
John Allen Chau, 26, a «Christian evangelist, was hit with a shit-load of arrows and killed on Friday last shortly after making land on North Sentinel Island, part of the Andaman and Nicobar Islands.
The island, which is off-limits to visitors without permission, is home to a 30,000-year-old tribe that is known to aggressively resist outsiders.
However, Chau repeatedly tried to contact the tribespeople, managing to reach the island the day before he was killed and trying to offer gifts of fish and a football. He wrote this drivel in his diary. He tried to communicate with them by repeating their words back to them (you would want to have some serious gift to reproduce words in a language you have never heard before). Anyway, they just kept laughing at him. Finally, they tired and fired.
His Darwin award was posthumously given to him personally by God, who is also suspected of firing some of the arrows. «Declare Jesus»!! Indeed!
I’m with God on this one.

At the end of this, I have to return to the Brexit (indirectly) and reply to prime minister May’s claim to be delivering the «will of the people to leave the EU». She should have paid closer attention to history and the experience of those who went before her. As Churchill said;
«The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter.»
That goes for every country.

Blessings on all!
Please accept my best wishes and love of mankind.
Now, I shouold have something hot…. I know, hot chocolate.

(oh, and news of your various states of being is always welcome)

Late reels of news and a rant

And good evening to you too.
Despite the recovery from the abyss of scrambled consciousness brought on by justifiable excess, I am later than even I expected. That, in fact, is down to a skype call from Genevieve in Cardiff. It is always good to talk with her.
As always I trawled through the various newspapers and found just a few things worthy of mention, but while I try to avoid the obvious topics, I cannot avoid them completely.
Anyway, since you have been following the news too, let’s start with Spain and the doctor cum fraude…
who, in a void of self-awareness, started the week with an appearance in the UK newspapers who reported that the «Spanish Prime Minister» (someone in the British media should do some research, the head of the Spanish government is the president, not the Prime Minister) was telling the British that if he were Teresa May, he would have a second referendum.
This is shameful for everyone in Spain and hilarious for everyone else. This is a president (cum fraude) who has not even called one election to legitimise his own status and here he is telling the Brits what to do. Breath-taking ignorance of breath-taking arrogance? I can’t even say that you have picked «a good one» there since he took the presidency by default. Wait until he throws out the presidential pardon to the mad Catalans. The day that happens I will make a ton of popcorn and sit at the computer watching the news blogs for wonderfully entertaining comments.

Speaking of clouds, at the world darts championship this week, one contestant (a previous world champion, no less) was well beaten but blamed the defeat on his opponent’s digestive system. He said «every time I went to play a shot, there was a sudden odour of a foul nature». Okay, I am paraphrasing in my own way, but basically, he claimed that his opponent deliberately used the «guano strategy» by forcing Hydrogen gas accompanied by various … eh… aromatics from his lower region during the match. The offensive attack on his ollfactory receptors was so bad that it put him off his game and he thus lost. The darts player who won said «I didn’t do nothin'» followed by various rumbling sounds and the sight of reports running for the exits.

In France this week… a man of Syrian nationality took the TGV train from Lille to the south of France. He had evil in mind (not his mind, however, he was acting for his version of a god) and was carrying a liquid in a bottle that he would use as a combustible for a great conflagration, or so he thought. Then at the appropriate moment, after his fevered prayers, he took out the bottle and poured the contents over himself and then, shouting how great allah is and other such things, he tried to light a match to set himself on fire. It wouldn’t take light. Another match and … nothing. Panic! And again…. Then someone grabbed him and subdued him. They had noticed the smell.
While he thought that he was carrying a bottle of inflammible liquid because he saw the word «alcohol» written on the label, it was actually a bottle of rosé wine with the word «alcohol» on the label. The guy didn’t speak French and he was fairly shit at chemistry too.
Just goes to show, some of these terrorists are not very intelligent. I suppose that must be the case, otherwise they wouldn’t do it in the first place. And if they were intelligent, many more of us would be dead.

Brexit has taken up everyone’s time and driven us to stultifying boredom. Nevertheless, some gems of intelligence inevitably come to the surface.
The now ex Brexit secretary, Dominic Raab, a man of no wit and full of self-satisfied arrogance, who admitted a week ago that he was unaware of how important the nearest port to the continent was, resigned because he rejected the Brexit deal that he was in charge of and signed. Schroedinger’s cat comes to mind for some reason.
I hope that there is a film of people trying to explain to Dominic Raab that the English Channel isn’t a television station.
However, I think we have a new winner for the «Dominic Raab Brexiteer All-Comers Cup for Knowing Fuck All About Brexit».
The member of parliament Nadine Dorries is the gift of idiocy that keeps on giving. She wants out of Europe in the hardest terms and is objecting to the recent deal signed by Mr Raab himself and the Prime Minister May, or Maybot, as she is known for her robot-like repetition of phrases that have nothing to do with any of the questions asked by journalists. She actually stood up in the house of Commons and said
«But unfortunately, the future of the country and of our relationship with Europe is at stake. This deal gives us no voice, no votes, no MEPs, no commissioner.”
There are nematode worms crawling about my garden that would make better public representatives.
This is so surreal that I have to repeat it. She is rather uspet because this Brexit deal will leave the UK, after it has left the EU with no elected Members of the European Parliament, no commisioner and in fact no voice and no vote in the EU! She blames it all on the «bad deal» that PM May has got.

I am lost for words. How is it possible to explain anything to someone who is clearly missing parts of her brain? She expected to have representatives in the European Union after they have left it? And commissioners too? And she expected to be able to vote?
is this worse than the other idiot who thought he could simply go to Dublin and get an Irish passport because he is 100% English or not?

It isn’t just the policians and the uneducated. Genevieve told me of this conversation that she had with some staff member of the University of Cardiff.
«Oh dear God, Papa, I was speaking last week to Brexit voting lecturer who is about to retire and is planning on selling his house and moving with his wife to Spain. I asked them how they thought they would get on if the freedom of movement was restricted by Brexit. So he said «that’s not a problem because Freedom of Movement only applies to people coming into UK not to UK citizens leaving and going abroad.»
Poor Genevieve! Surrounded by complete idiots.

And a topical piece of humour to conclude with?
….. and then, then, then, Barnier said to May:
«How many Brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb? One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up!»

You will have begun to notice that these days every minority group is telling us that they are victims of society and it is all our fault. We have gone from the hierarchy of needs to the hierarchy of competence to the hierarchy of victims and they all want to get on the ladder. They all have something useless and stupid to say and confuse opinion with fact. 
Twitter and the social media has a lot to answer for.
But things have reached the depths of weird shit when vegans start to consider themselves a protected group who equate mockery of them to mockery of people who have actually experienced genuine oppression.
Well known chef William Sitwell discovered this week that he is a bad bad man. His humourous comments about vegans has just cost him his job as editor of the hugely successful Waitrose Food magazine, which he had both written for and edited for the last 20 years.
A vegan journalist and activist Selene Nelson aggressively suggested that he feature a series of articles about vegan food. He responded: «Hi Selene. Thanks for this. How about a series on killing vegans, one by one. Ways to trap them? How to interrogate them properly? Expose their hypocrisy? Force feed them meat? Make them eat steak and drink red wine?»
It was a joke obviously and showed his exasperation in what he thought was a funny way.
Suddenly he is being accused of incitement to hatred by the vegans.
How could anyone seriously imagine that Sitwell genuinely hopes for the day when he can hunt down and kill any vegan who approaches him with an idea for an article?
Well, the vegans did – or, to be more precise, they pretended they did. When another journalist Giles Coren (who I met many years ago while he visited Brian at the Mill) tried to defend him online, the reaction was as quick as it was dumb, with people telling Coren that surely as a Jew, he’d be more sensitive to the vegans’ worries.
In short, a sarcastic email about your food choice places you on the same moral plane of persecution as the victims of the Holocaust?
Anyway, the chef lost his job.
This type of thing is happening everywhere, be it the homosexuals, the vegans, or any tiny group of nuts
It also shows that the main side-effect of becoming a vegan is an apparent total loss of all humour and proportion.
This week I am bound to encounter the Vegan communications teacher who can only ever find a seat in our dining area and kitchen next to me. I hate vegans almost as much as I detest ecologists.
I will find a way of asking her if a vegan «swallows» a man, is she still a vegan? I will let you know the response.

Okay, I have had my rant and am stopping there.
May the lords of the universe smile upon you both and all of yours!
I need a drink.

And did I mention that Ireland beat the All Blacks in rugby yesterday?
They did. They did.