Mes: enero 2019

Good morning to you!
I had planned on not skipping a week with this diatribe but things never work out as planned, do they?
We have to start with the awful Brexit nonsense. (Again? you groan.) A week ago the Teresa May «plan A for Brexit» got voted out of existence (by a majority of 230, a margin unheard of since Cromwell when he set an example of beheading opponents). Unacceptable! they all shouted about her big deal. Rubbish! Treason!!
So, she then had three days to come up with «plan B for Brexit».
The applicable and astonishingly appropriate mathematical equation is
Plan B = Plan A.
There is no difference.
Whatsoever.
If you think that your own politicos are inept, this gives useful perspective.
Nevertheless, with the English bringing up all sorts of clichés about the wars and how they resisted, I am particularly reminded of the British generals between 1914 and 1918. Their initial plan A was for the soldiers in great numbers to walk across no-mans land while the Germans shot them all dead.
You do remember what their plans B and C and D .. all the way to Z were, don’t you?
So if we think that the British establishment would never repeat disasters… oh yes they would, and do.

You have to wonder how often Barnier has silently said to himself: the British: you can count on them to have a problem to every solution.
But he is a diplomat at heart and everyone in the UK thinks him soft and that he will eventually yield. That really isn’t understanding what diplomacy is. I’ll give you a pragmatic definition:
Diplomacy…. saying «nice doggy» until you can find a heavy rock.
The endgame should be fun.

When you think about Brexit, are you reminded of Game of Thrones?
In the capital, an amoral woman clings to power through any means necessary, surrounded by backstabbers, focussed only on defeating rival factions, deliberately ignoring the onrushing threat that’s about to overwhelm the whole country.
While further North, sinister mind-controlling alien lords drive forth a 17-million strong army of the brain-dead, unthinkingly bent on the destruction of everything men have built.
For Britain, Winter is Coming.
However, while I find Cercei Lannister greatly desirable, I cannot say the same for May, particularly since she has no genetalia.

The elite restaurant chain McDonalds has had to apologise to large numbers of customers who ordered vegetarian meals only to find they contained chicken nuggets. Rather unexpected, you say, and why would anyone complain to find this delicacy in their plastic box?
But the vegetarians were indeed surprised to find the chicken in their boxes and complained. Personally, I would be surprised if I found actual chicken in a chicken meal in McDonalds.Even vegans could eat these «chicken nuggets» and not really break their anti-meat vows.
I am always reminded of the perfect response in a high class restaurant (in Scotland, Glasgow, I think) to a request from a rich English lady customer: «Yes, Madame, we do have a vegetarian alternative…. you can fuck off!!»
Don’t deny that you have always wanted to do something similar!

Meanwhile the Orange Shit Gibbon showed all his class and his great regard for his fellow citizens by feeding a group of invitees to the White House with Big Macs and Coke. And pizza too from another fast food joint.
You can’t imagine the photographs of the event… miniature plastic packets of mustard and ketchup (just like the ones you inevitably take home with you when you go to fast food places to eat crap and put in a kitchen drawer to be forgotten about until the use by date causes them to rot and seep) except these ones are on a genuine silver serving plates.
Above the table was the official portrait of Abraham Lincoln, looking down on the proceedings… if only the portrait could think and talk, eh? «Has my country come to this? How? Ah Christ!!»
As the «meal» progressed and the guests ate the quickly cold Big Macs, there are images of pizza slices taking the appearance of Dali clocks slowly flowing off the edge of the tables.
The McDo salads remained untouched in the middle of the table, present but not involved.
Of course, in the usual way he does things, the Orange Shit Gibbon claimed to have bought 300 burgers for the event and within minutes was claiming to have bought «1000 burgers».
Barf!
Do you want lies with… sorry, do you want some fries with those?

Staying with the Orange Shit Gibbon (I like calling him that), have you noticed how his ties are always worn long,
Yes, of course you have.
You know that way women (no, I’m not sexist) have «methods» to hide their size, or rather give the illusion that they are not fat (wear stripes, long shirts, dark colours, etc…), well, the POTUS has his own tricks to give the impression that he is not obese. Wear your tie very long! He recommends the fashion hint as “slenderizing” and he actively encourages his aids to do the same. The end of Trump’s tie usually falls well below his waistline and onto the position of his genetalia. The result is …comical?
For those of you who wear ties, the tip of a man’s tie should fall right in the middle of his waistband or his belt and no longer.
(The pedagogue within me is always trying to get out.)

Speaking of crap… doctors in a number of (first world) countries have made discoveries and breakthroughs in helping the human digestive system operate better. It appears that as regards the gut (or the intestines if you prefer) we can be divided into two main groups: those of us who have «good» fecal bacteria that aid digestion and ease stresses on the digestive system while allowing extraction of all nutrients, and, those of us who don’t, being stuck with «bad» or essentially ineffective fecal  bacteria.
Well, the doctors have discovered that they can extract the «good» bacteria from the…. eh…. «eliminations» of the human digestive system (not enough women or money available in the world to compensate me for that particular job) and inject them into the gut of people with the bad bacteria. And it works. So, people with poor digestion can be greatly helped by this new method.
Wow! Great news over breakfast.
But, we are also now in a position to do good to those close to us. With the 14th of February (Valentine’s day) looming and the search for gifts for our precious partners becoming desperate, we can offer a novel … and healthy … gift in the form of «good» bacteria. And all you need is a plastic bag.
(The Spanish expression «me cago en la puta/leche/anything» can possibly be adapted to this new and caring gesture.)

Meanwhile, following on from finding things where you least expect them, police in Essex in the UK are investigating the discovery of a human bone in a pair of socks bought from a Primark store. For a Christmas present, apparently. The socks, that is. The statement from the police was: “The bone does not appear to be a result of recent trauma and had no skin or other particles surrounding it.”
Well, thank the gods for that! The official Primark statement goes a bit further to cause indigestion…
“No evidence of any kind exists to suggest that any incident has occurred in the factory.» Are they using cheap labour from some tribe of cannibals? It sounds as if that’s what they were checking;
They also sincerely apologised «to the customer who found the item for any distress caused.”Distress is putting it mildly.

Gone mad??
Despite the utter despairing sadness of the lost child in Malaga, the Sexta has been active for all women and minorities.
They produced on their website (and sent out on twitter) an image of the selected method of attempted rescue: the vertical hole with a side tunnel in the direction of the child. In the image there are drawn two Asturian miners standing in the prospective tunnel, for scale, i suppose. Upon close examination, the drawings are of a male miner and a female miner.
The female is black.
Can someone, anyone, please tell me that there really are some black female miners in Asturia and that this is not stupid political correctness gone completely mad.
When HAL took over the space station in the film 2001, it imposed its own logic on the situation to the detriment of all the humans. They all die. Political correctness is not any different.
To oblivion and beyond!!!!

Back in that strange country to the north (the UK), news comes that thousands of judicial cases have been disrupted or delayed after the courts service’s main computer network repeatedly crashed, preventing lawyers and judges from working.
The Ministry of Justice has spent £1.2bn in a high-profile programme promoting online hearings which aims to replace the legal profession’s traditional reliance on paperwork.
WTF?? They also have on-line courts? Personally, I want to be close enough to my accuser to be able to hit her.

And some pharmacies in Europe, the US and Asia are introducing screening tests for people seeking Botox injections, to ensure that those with mental health problems are not having injections because they are dissatisfied with their body.
Did I misunderstand something?
Any woman of any age can walk into a pharmacy and get Botox injections?
And only «some» pharmacies are introducing checks?

I saw that in Segovia a judge rejected complaints that a proposed statue of the devil was an affront to religious sensibilities that could make the city a focus of satanic worship.
What?
When did Spain become a version of dumb America? This went as far as a judge??
Someone complained and a judge temporarily halted the statue’s installation. Worse, and illogically, they complainants claimed that the statue was too jovial and insufficiently repulsive to constitute an accurate representation of Satan.
…………..
Hang on… an «accurate» representation of Satan,?????
…………
The group also expressed fears that the bronze statue could prove a magnet for people inclined towards devil worship.
I think it is already too late and the devil has already abandoned Segovia due to there being no one there with a brain.

And lets not forget the Belgians. They also play petanque, or boules, just as the French do. They even have clubs and lots of competitions. My view of it is that it’s an excuse to drink pastis and stay away from the house on weekend mornings until lunch is ready, thus avoiding being asked to help out in the kitchen. They are all older fat men who play and there isn’t a campsite in either country without the petanque players.
But… the clubs are getting more serious and the top players in the sport (sport????) have been found to be taking cocaine in order to give themselves an edge over their opponents.
Performance-enhancing drugs in boules… I have heard it all now…
or maybe I haven’t…

And the winner of the most stupid article title of the month goes to the Irish Independent newspaper for «I am a lesbian trapped in a man’s body».
You can Google it.
This weirdo says he has no interest in males whatsoever. In fact, he has great difficulty talking to them, but no difficulty talking to women.
It hasn’t occurred to him that all males are actively avoiding him.
He is 58 and married and has a teenage daughter. Call the men in white coats, please.
In any case, it is the worst chat-up line I have ever heard.

Blessings be heaped upon you all,
with my personal benediction
f

You just can’t avoid the inevitable. For all of the stupidity of uneducated humanity, nothing beats the stupidity of the «educated».
Here’s a strategy… I am corrupt and have lots of friends availing of my «generosity» with other people’s money. All good and cosy until I get replaced. So, to avoid being shown as corrupt, I suddenly get the same type of conversion on the road to Damascus as Saul/Paul (who you gonna call?) and immediately I start to denounce all those corrupt people who were taking advantge of my «generosity» with other people’s money before they start to denounce me.
A fairly dumb and unconvincing strategy, right?
Now play a game and stick a name on the above protagonist please.

It would take a sick mind to invent this shite and attempt to trade it off as realistic. no Holywood promoter would consider any of it as realistic. And these are the guys who sell us Batman and Superman and Marvel, all tinged with a message.
Jayzis!
My most repeated phrase can only be «you couldn’t make this shit up». Except that it is all unfortunately and incredibly real.

Let’s go to another place and consider an emission from a well known personality. Here is a quote:
“Wow, just learned in the Failing New York Times that the corrupt former leaders of the FBI, almost all fired or forced to leave the agency for some very bad reasons, opened up an investigation on me, for no reason & with no proof, after I fired Lyin’ James Comey, a total sleaze!”
Dear Jesus, but who from outside a juvenile school playground with an IQ that would make you fear for them looking to breathe and digest simultaneously could come up with tripe like that and send it to the entire world?
Okay, you guessed straight away.
It is of course the Orange Shit Gibbon.
Unless he has caught rabies, I have no explanation, but… a quick analysos of the words used (again). There are 50 words. There are 32 one sylable words, there are 16 two sylable words, 1 three sylable word (agency) and 1 five sylable word (investigation). It is just me that finds it ironic that the longest word he seems to know is «investigation»?
The next tweet was also a cracker:
 “I have been FAR tougher on Russia than Obama, Bush or Clinton. Maybe tougher than any other President. At the same time, & as I have often said, getting along with Russia is a good thing, not a bad thing. I fully expect that someday we will have good relations with Russia again!”
The only thing missing was «Is this okay, Vlad?»
Meanwhile, he isn’t getting other people’s money to build a wall and so nobody except him continues to get paid. He actually imagines that by throwing a big tantrum he will get his way. What did I say about little children? He ain’t gonna win this one. I can imagine him practising staring himself down in the bathroom mirror (so as to have his impressive stare ready to browbeat the democrats) and losing. 

But just when you are thinking that it cannot get worse because he is only one man (with a scalp reduction), news comes in that he is about to nominate someone close to him as president of the World Bank. This incerdibly important role is usually designated by the president of the good ol’ USA and accepted without a vote, being a well considered economist with international recognition and respect. The name floating around Washington (yeah, floating around like a turd in a swimming pool) is the first daughter: Ivanka Trump.
Much coffee was splutter over breakfast tables when this was published in the Washington Post and the Financial Times followed by derision, but derision driven by the fear that it could easily come to pass.
This is a slight departure from the premise of Orwell’s 1984. Instead of the government crushing dissent by forcing public announcements into the public conscience as truth, this is the establishment hoping that by nervously laughing at something, it might go away if they laugh hard enough.
I am not taking bets on this one. He previously considered her for the job of US ambassador to the UN (I want to see her CV.) She also sat in for her father at a G20 summit in Hamburg in July 2017, to widespread consternation. The Japanese prime minister was heard to ask «who the fuck is she?»
It gets a little more painful yet. She is quoted as having ambition to run for President of the United States.

This is close to the UK situation more and more with people in positions of power for which they have no evident qualification. You already know about the ferry company with no ferries getting 14 million of their British pounds to run a ferry service.

Personally, I didn’t apply for the contract to start a ferry company between England and Holland, assuming naively, and wrongly for that matter, that not actually owning any ferries would be an obstacle. In an effort to get in on the money grab, I have purchased seven inflatable plastic children’s boats from Lidl and recently submitted an application for money to the UK ministry of transport. I am waiting for a reply and will keep you all informed of the response.
In the same vein, I will write to the world bank with my CV … after all, I know absolutely nothing about economics but I at least know that the world is not flat.

What do you throw away?
In the toilet, I mean…
There are the inevitables of the human digestive system, some paper that should easily dissolve (preferably only after use) and really, that should be it. But who follows common sense and instructions?
Not the English in the town of Sidmouth on Sea anyway. They get the picture of the week and it is referred to euphemistically as a fatberg. It should be a shitberg, really, but they don’t say that. Since I have trouble getting the images to appear here, I will include the link to the newspaper article.
https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2019/jan/08/sixty-four-metre-fatberg-discovered-in-english-seaside-resort-sidmouth-devon
I can’t help but laugh, but I pity the poor workers who have to break it up in order to let the **** flow. They might well be wearing full biohazard suits but there is not enough money in the country for me to consider that particular job.
What no one asks is how they found out about this big blocking shitberg. How many toilets just didn’t empty until the alarm went off? That’s quite an unappetising image right there in your minds.

And on London underground, or the Tube, even a fairly short ride makes your snot go black. Researchers have found air pollution in London’s underground stations is up to 30 times higher than beside busy roads in central London. The Committee on the Medical Effects of Air Pollutants has warned Transport for London it is “likely there is some health risk”.
And water is wet, eh?

What is it about the word «democratic», There is the Democratic Republic of North Korea (enough said!). We now have the Democratic Republic of the Congo…  where the latest general election result was delayed and the opposite result announced two days later to the consternation of the observers, the opposition and even most of the government.
Democratic?
Meanwhile… Military officers in Gabon have staged a coup attempt, seizing the state radio station and declaring their dissatisfaction with President Ali Bongo, who is in hospital in Morocco.
The military coup leader Lieut Kelly Ondo Obiang in a radio address to the nation said the coup was being carried out “to restore democracy».
Please tell me what I don’t seem to understand!

For those of you with kids, here is a test. Do you know about the experiment with children and marshmallows? Well, you give kids the choice: eat one now, or two later
Those who delay seemingly go on to achieve greater academic success, better health and lower divorce rates.
Now get those marshmallows out and perform a little experiment. I am also willing to bet the other present adults might eat the marshmallow before the kids. Can anyone guess to whom I may be referring?
(However, it is also possible that the test may fail since some kids probably like marshmallows more than others.)
Now let’s talk about sex…. or rather sex toys.
Lora Haddock, founder of the company Lora DiCarlo, said she had been overjoyed when the company’s «Osé personal massager» was selected as winner of the Consumer Electronics Show 2019 Innovation Award in the robotics and drone product category.
What is this product, referred to as a «personal massager» (yeah, right!!!) ?
It is a hands-free device developed by an almost entirely female team of engineers using new micro-robotic technology that mimics all of the sensations of a human mouth, tongue, and fingers, for an experience that feels just like a real partner, it says on the companys website.
I am not inventing this stuff.
Anyway, the award was suddenly withdrawn and the reason published was this:
the product “should not have been accepted for the Innovation Awards Program” because it “does not fit into any of our existing product categories”.
Yeah, right! I know what it fits into even if they don’t.
In reply the company said that their engineers designed the «massager» in partnership with Oregon State University, whose robotics lab is ranked as one of the best in the nation.
I imagine that the Chancellor of that university is asking for explanations right now. «What in the name of hell are we doing developing ‘a vagina-focused robotic massager for blended orgasm’*?»
Blended?
I’ll now have to reconsider my whiskeys of choice. They are all blanded. What am I drinking?

Anyway, if the aim is to replace men, there is nothing I can do about it from here.

Have a pleasant Sunday!
I am going to watch my son play rugby.

And in spite of never inviting comment or discussion, can someone please tell me what a blended orgasm is and how I might go about getting one.

Love and Himalayan blessings to all
f

* quote from the company website

Good morning, good morning and good morning!
As you might guess, I have returned once again from dispensing my energies on the sports field and am (as of writing) still alive and capable of thinking and typing.

The news this week is yet another total abandonment of logic, to such an extent that you have to wonder if there is a fundamental flaw in mankind that drags us to perdition. We just have to stand back and look at our own lives for confirmation. 
But less of that existential introspection, on with the real news!!

Let’s change continents and look at Australia and see what there is to cure you of any desire to actually go there.

Australia’s collection of «fuckers to be avoided» has a new entry. Just when you thought that the deadly snakes, the man-eating crocodiles and the poisonous jellyfish and the sharks would be enough for any corner of the Earth, in comes Hermie the huntsman spider. This «fucker to be avoided» is not just huge, it is strong enough to carry an adult mouse up the side of a fridge. There is a video and you can google it yourselves, but I watched it and…. Christ!
I would have moved out of the house naked and sent in a SWAT team with flame throwers. The house owner filmed the thing and put it on line. Yes, in a house in Queensland.
I include a still from the video:

How’s that for a «holy fuck!!!!» moment?

Meanwhile, police in Western Australia, another part of that hostile environment, sent their equivalent of a domestic SWAT team to a house following an emergency call. A person walking outside a house in Perth heard a toddler screaming and a man repeatedly shouting “Why don’t you die?”
The team arrived and immediately broke into the house only to find a man “trying to kill a spider”, who then apologised (as expected with guns being pointed at him) for having an extreme fear of spiders. The police report stated “No injuries sighted (except to spider). No further police involvement required”.
In 2015, a similar incident occurred in Sydney when police were called to a house to find a “quite embarrassed” man throwing furniture at a spider, alone.
What type of spider was this one?
Who wants to live there?

Public health is becoming prominent and the doctors and researchers in the fat countries (i.e. all English speaking countries) have been complaining again. It seems that the average 10-year-old has already consumed as much sugar in their lifetime as the recommended limit for an 18-year-old. They say that this has serious implications for obesity and health.
Well, who would have guessed it?
In all these countries, at least one-third of children are overweight or obese at the age of 10 and 4.2% are severely obese at 14. They then add that obese children often become obese adults, at risk of heart attacks, strokes and type 2 diabetes.
Ya don’t say!
I see it as the only remaining way that parents have to keep their offspring quiet now that you can’t punch the little bastards in the face any more.

Fortunately beer is a liquid and has no sugar.

An official British ministerial document about Brexit last week, that’s last week, December 2018, stated that «fishing fleets are often to be found close to the coast».
Who knew????
Seriously, who knew?
Fuck me… does that mean that there are fish in the sea?
An official document.
My Christ! The level of education is supposedly lower in Andalusia compared to the rest of Spain, but the level of «education» in the UK is so shockingly low that you would not believe what they are incapable of understanding.

I have listened to the opinion shows on the radio and while I didn’t comprehend how they got to this point, I do now. This is Europe, after a thousand yours of advancing history, after the invention of formal education, the printing press, communication, ease of travel, knowledge of others, and then even after two world wars in the past 100 years, and one of the oldest states only produces arrogant ignorance.
I do not know the answer to this and I am starting to feel like some rational Germans in the 1930s. They saw what was happening and didn’t quite believe what was going to happen. They could not really accept that the path they were being lead onto was a possibility. Then it was too late and in despair, they tried to leave and could not. Normal people who were witnesses and who eventually became the first victims must have never quite understood what the hell was going on. 

The fall-out from last weeks ministerial decision («We looked very carefully at the ferry firm») in the UK to give a 14 million pound contract to a bunch of (Conservative) businessmen to run a ferry company continues.  You have to feel sorry for the minister (who championed Brexit from the start) when some official handed him a map and pointed out to him that the UK is an island and that things like food and medicine come there via aeroplanes and big boats. «Oh shite!» he must have thought, «we need more big aeroplanes and boats». So the minister takes charge. This is a guy who you would closely supervise if he picked up a scissors and attempted to use them. And he takes the decision to award a £14m contract to a ferry company that has no ferries. no experience, no harbour that can take big ferries, no staff, no plans, no nothing… except for £14m and a website and on that website there is a description of its «terms and conditions». This is a legal requirement. You would think it would be fairly simple to set this type of document out, wouldn’t you?
Well, no!
The stated terms and conditions were copied and pasted from a …. pizza delivery site…. without any modification.
And no, I repeat this every week, I am not making this stuff up.
A random journalist used a service inaccessible to government, apparently, known as “a five-second Google search” and found the documents officially filed and then made another search to find the exact same document listed under «Papa John’s Pizza». Well, they have something in common: neither of them know how to run a ferry company.
Some quotes are given by the journalists from teh Seabourne Ferries site (not the pizza one)… can you tell the diffierence?
“It is the responsibility of the customer to thoroughly check the supplied goods before agreeing to pay for any meal/order,”
“Delivery charges are calculated per order and based on [delivery details here].”
“Users are prohibited from making false orders through our website.”
“Seaborne Freight (UK) Limited reserves the right to seek compensation through legal action for any losses incurred as the result of hoax delivery requests and will prosecute to the full extent of the law,”
Quite incredible!

In another surprising report, thirteen people applied online to divorce their partners on Christmas Day, according to UK government figures.
During the period between Christmas Eve and New Year’s Day, 455 applications were lodged in England and Wales, the Ministry of Justice (MoJ) said.
The first full week of the new year is one of the busiest periods for initiating divorce proceedings, as unhappy couples, having failed to resolve their differences over Christmas, resort to specialist lawyers.
Your initial reactions would be
How bad was the cooking?
Was it the poor choice of presents?
My reaction is … you can do this online?????????????

Meanwhile in America… and the shut-down of the administration by the Orange Shit Gibbon because they won’t give him the billions to build his wall to keep a few immigrantsout. In the big parks there are few rangers and no administratives resulting in services being closed.
The latest report says that «Human feces, overflowing garbage, illegal off-roading, fights over camping spots and other damaging behavior in fragile areas are beginning to overwhelm the American west’s most popular national parks».
The parks remain open with no staff.
Some rangers have complained to the media that it can only be traumatising for the animals to have to witness humans using the parks green spaces as toilets.
As if these animals would… could…. what do the animals do?
Besides, I expect that apart from not caring if humans crap on the grass, the animals have seen worse and not been traumatised.

Speaking of worse… I would love to be able to watch the male staff at the Hacienda HealthCare facility in Phoenix, Arizona.
A woman who has been in a vegetative state for at least a decade at this private healthcare facility gave birth to a healthy boy last week.
The police have been called in to investigate, obviously and will start with a DNA sampling of all the men working there. This comatose woman has no relatives or visitors and so…. you can guess; 
None of the staff were aware that she was pregnant until she was pretty much giving birth.
Well, one male member of staff must be starting to sweat a lot and be thinking about sudden holidays in Brazil.

And before I go back to recovering from the sport, here is the picture of that Huntsman spider again. It still freaks me out.

Pluga el cielo derramar sobre vosotros sus bendiciones!

Your Sunday friend
f