It’s all sex this week, so beware!

Another week (or two) of women and men. One always causes the other problems. And sometimes not. Men are at a serious disadvantage and everywhere you look, most problems can be reduced to…. sex.
At least that’s what the news throws up this week. And when I say throw up, I am closer to the sense of vomiting rather than discovery.
Let’s start with the harmoneous advantages of married life. Okay, I have no personal experience of such wonderful harmony and none of you do either, but it appears to be a thing. I will make my comments inside square parentheses.
The latest «research» courtesy of University College London suggests that if you can make your marriage work, you’ll reap the benefits.
[Please list any benefits, if any, from your own personal experience.]
It appears that older people who are married are physically fitter,
[Yeah, because the man is constantly looking to get away from the bins, painting, repairs, washing up, complaining, grass cutting etc and goes for very long rapid walks to the pub every night.]
have a stronger grip
[Due to masturbation no doubt.]
and walk further and faster than their divorced counterparts.
[See above!]
The researchers [who pays them for this shit? And can I get one of those jobs?] studied more than 20,000 people over the age of 60 in England and the US to get to these conclusions.
Furthermore, they then go into the «secret of a happy marriage» with input from old fools. Don’t blame the other person! is the main way of avoiding difficulties in a marriage. [What’s the point of a marriage if you can’t blame the other person?]
Interestingly, the time before serious problems are addressed via marriage counsellors is after 13 years. But come on! If the marriage is dead, get the fuck out! What are you supposed to do with these counsellors? Forget the past years of shite and go on as if nothing happened?
The other marvellous advice is to show your vulnerability to the other person. «Showing your vulnerability is very brave and, actually, you’re probably at your strongest when you can do that.» said the head of the Council for Psychotherapy (CP).
[And at your most stupid and you deserve what you get. All you are doing is showing where you can be crushed.]

So, that might be my cynical attitude, but can any of you indicate the advantages of not blaming (when the blame is right there pointing itself at someone) or of showing vulnerability?
Didn’t think so.
And really, when was the last time when you didn’t think of saying to the other person «when was the last time you understood anything?».
Oh, and divorces peak during early January.

But men can be idiots too. Inevitably, at this time of the «me too» movement (who are effectively claiming that all men are rapists and should be castrated) we get to the latest heavily awaited documentary series (soon to hit the televisions of Spain too) about Lorena Bobbit.
Who?
She was suddenly notorious in the early 1990s as a perpetrator (of sexual violence), a victim (of sexual violence) and a punchline all rolled into one.

This young Venezuelan woman, with a name that sounds like a short, sharp chop (surely you remember her now?) married her small-town husband who was called (I kid you not) John Wayne – and he was a US marine. As a teenager she had moved from Venezuela to America and got a job working as a manicurist. She met John Wayne at a dance hall and they were married in 1989, when she was just 20 and he 21.
Ah, nice! The American dream come true.

Not!

The marriage was not a good one. Where are those marriage counsellors when you need them? She blamed John’s sexual and physical violence for the problems. There you go… the blame game again. She also alleged he forced her to have an abortion. He claimed she was greedy. The fights got worse.
Their house was repossessed. They broke up and got back together. It didn’t last.
Then, one night she got her famous revenge when she took his penis in her hand. Of course he simply presumed she was giving him «a handjob». An hour later, Lorena was flinging his severed penis out the window of her car into a grassy patch as she drove through the town.

Ouch!

She phoned the police to tell them and they went out and actually found the penis. By a miracle of surgery, doctors then managed to re-attach it to the heavily sedated John Wayne (Bobbitt). The documentary reveals, when he awoke from the operation the surgeon told him «the surgery was a success, but your penis may turn black and fall off again».

Now please do not try to tell me that you didn’t laugh out loud just there.

The trial was on daytime television non-stop. All in the public interest. Yeah, right! John Wayne (Bobbit!) was eventually acquitted of abusing her during their marriage and she was, at length, adjudicated not guilty by reason of temporary insanity for her moment of madness with the kitchen knife. He became a novelty porn star and was employed for a time by Dennis Hof. Remember Dennis? He was the dead man who was voted into the Americal Congress recently in Nevada.
And all this because they blamed each other.
But she certainly knew where he was vulnerable.

and the Spanish version from this week.. a Spanish man (51 years old, who couldn’t walk fast enough or far enough, obviously) was arrested in Leganes for trying to cut out his wife’s tongue with a kitchen knife. She is from Honduras.
Lesson?
Avoid South American women at all costs!

Staying with Spain… another study claims that libido drops with cold weather. You have too much money in Spain.
The researchers found that only 33% of women want sex in winter, 48% in Spring and 54% in summer. Mind you, they didn’t say how often it was proposed during each season.
This joint study was with researchers from Switzerland and Holland.
The Swiss input was to suggest that the man and the woman wear socks. I know of no woman on this planet or any other who would accept that the male wear socks. I have no clue as to how I would consider a woman with socks. Violence?
The Dutch neuroscientists (yes, neuroscientists!!!) suggested that orgasm was easier with socks on.
And this was published in Nature?

Lads! Lads! Just turn the fucking heating on!

Meanwhile, a man in Sidney, Australia is under investigation after making a call to emergency police services because his wife expected him to pay for the entirety of their Chinese meal.
When the police arrived at the restaurant they first reminded the man that the emergency number is for actual emergencies.
«Police are unsure of who eventually paid for the remainder of the delicious Chinese meal,» North Shore Police Area Command said in a statement. I wonder what the sex was like afterwards and did he hide all the knives?

To France now and on Thursday, the famous French rugby club Carcassonne announced that they were entering into a commercial partnership with the pornographic website «Jacquie et Michel», claiming that they “share values of power, endurance, and vigour”.

Dear Jesus! Save us from spin doctors!
Carcassonne’s general manager, Christine Menardeau-Planchenault, [a woman!!!!] explained that “as a family club” [you could have fooled me!] they had put limits on what Jacquie et Michel could get up to. “There won’t be any naked young women at half-time or any naked rugby,” she explained. Despite that, Menardeau-Planchenault added that while it is normally “hard to get people to the stadium”, tickets for their upcoming match against Biarritz were now “flying out of the ticket office”.
I know the French too well and all the supporters (from now on, all male) will be expecting a different type of show at half time and they will riot if they don’t get it. I feel sorry for the players.

Okay, headline of the week goes to this one in El Mundo on Wednesday of this week, from a short series of articles on «Prostitución en Tierra Santa»:
A los 18 años, yo elegí esta profesión (prostituta) de forma voluntaria ya que no me fue bien como camarera [o cuidando niños como a mis amigas].
Maybe it’s me, but I find the leap from being a poor waiter in a bar/restaurant to being a prostitute a bit difficult to imagine. Is it just me?

The annual gay pride song contest … sorry! the Eurovision song contest, is fast approaching. Let’s get moving on the choice of song, say the homosexuals. When is the contest, we ask.
May!
So how is it going in Spain this year?
The reason that Ireland has failed so spectacularly during the past 15 years has to do with winning it almost every year during the 90s. We were unfortunately unstoppable. And since, when you win, you host and pay, the national television company was in serious danger of going bankrupt because of it. So, they made the deliberate decision to choose the worst songs and artists ever, knowing that they had no chance of winning. Of course, they said the opposite. That still doesn’t explain sending a vulgar turkey puppet to sing «Irlande douze points» in 2008. It was the worst ever, seriously. Judge for yourselves https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfuJaf6IBpk
Utter shite!
And we didn’t even win. In fact, we got zero points.
So what is Spain’s excuse for sending crap songs?
Spain hasn’t troubled the top half of the votes since Franco died. Ireland, the UK, Germany, Italy, France, Portugal etc (consider, Israel have won it twice in recent years and they’re not even in Europe) have done so badly that they can’t do worse this year.  The selection criterion seems to be “probably won’t come last”, a bar so low you’d need limbo training to navigate it…. probably an advantage if you are gay.

I see that the grave stone of Karl Marx in London was attacked and damaged. The police are saying it was the work of right wing extremists.
WTF??
I read the definitive biography of Karl Marx. When did he ever become a Marxist?
Answer: he didn’t.

Extremists these days: no knowledge of history or anything else.

The Orange Shit Gibbon is at it again. The latest tweet from the Brain Donor’s Club president comes when parts of America are in the grip of a double cold cyclone from the Arctic, with temperatures of close to -50°C, a phenomenon that occurs increasingly with even slight global warming.
His tweet?
«What the hell is going on with global warming? Please come back fast! We need you.»
This guy’s gift is to render sarcasm and satire redundant.

As a final gesture I offer a warning with these three web links from the Guardian newspaper. Remember, this is the most serious of newspapers in the UK and the content of the links has been published in their entirety in their weekend magazine. In colour.
Please do not open them in the company of others and not at work.
If you are of a sensitive disposition, do not open them!
This is considered serious journalism, but not by me.
You have been warned.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/sep/06/womens-breasts-laura-dodsworth-photography
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/feb/09/me-and-my-vulva-100-women-reveal-all-photographs

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/may/27/me-and-my-penis-100-men-reveal-all
I don’t know whether to be disturbed or frightened. However, if I said these were published in a national newspaper, no one would believe me. I had to share my personal shock.

But I still don’t know if I’m normal.

and not even one mention of Brexit.
Back to normal next week, as long as my health improves. I am still in a bad state.

Blessing and (stop looking at the images!) warmth be upon you all without socks
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