Back again with the real thing

Good morning to you!
I had planned on not skipping a week with this diatribe but things never work out as planned, do they?
We have to start with the awful Brexit nonsense. (Again? you groan.) A week ago the Teresa May «plan A for Brexit» got voted out of existence (by a majority of 230, a margin unheard of since Cromwell when he set an example of beheading opponents). Unacceptable! they all shouted about her big deal. Rubbish! Treason!!
So, she then had three days to come up with «plan B for Brexit».
The applicable and astonishingly appropriate mathematical equation is
Plan B = Plan A.
There is no difference.
If you think that your own politicos are inept, this gives useful perspective.
Nevertheless, with the English bringing up all sorts of clichés about the wars and how they resisted, I am particularly reminded of the British generals between 1914 and 1918. Their initial plan A was for the soldiers in great numbers to walk across no-mans land while the Germans shot them all dead.
You do remember what their plans B and C and D .. all the way to Z were, don’t you?
So if we think that the British establishment would never repeat disasters… oh yes they would, and do.

You have to wonder how often Barnier has silently said to himself: the British: you can count on them to have a problem to every solution.
But he is a diplomat at heart and everyone in the UK thinks him soft and that he will eventually yield. That really isn’t understanding what diplomacy is. I’ll give you a pragmatic definition:
Diplomacy…. saying «nice doggy» until you can find a heavy rock.
The endgame should be fun.

When you think about Brexit, are you reminded of Game of Thrones?
In the capital, an amoral woman clings to power through any means necessary, surrounded by backstabbers, focussed only on defeating rival factions, deliberately ignoring the onrushing threat that’s about to overwhelm the whole country.
While further North, sinister mind-controlling alien lords drive forth a 17-million strong army of the brain-dead, unthinkingly bent on the destruction of everything men have built.
For Britain, Winter is Coming.
However, while I find Cercei Lannister greatly desirable, I cannot say the same for May, particularly since she has no genetalia.

The elite restaurant chain McDonalds has had to apologise to large numbers of customers who ordered vegetarian meals only to find they contained chicken nuggets. Rather unexpected, you say, and why would anyone complain to find this delicacy in their plastic box?
But the vegetarians were indeed surprised to find the chicken in their boxes and complained. Personally, I would be surprised if I found actual chicken in a chicken meal in McDonalds.Even vegans could eat these «chicken nuggets» and not really break their anti-meat vows.
I am always reminded of the perfect response in a high class restaurant (in Scotland, Glasgow, I think) to a request from a rich English lady customer: «Yes, Madame, we do have a vegetarian alternative…. you can fuck off!!»
Don’t deny that you have always wanted to do something similar!

Meanwhile the Orange Shit Gibbon showed all his class and his great regard for his fellow citizens by feeding a group of invitees to the White House with Big Macs and Coke. And pizza too from another fast food joint.
You can’t imagine the photographs of the event… miniature plastic packets of mustard and ketchup (just like the ones you inevitably take home with you when you go to fast food places to eat crap and put in a kitchen drawer to be forgotten about until the use by date causes them to rot and seep) except these ones are on a genuine silver serving plates.
Above the table was the official portrait of Abraham Lincoln, looking down on the proceedings… if only the portrait could think and talk, eh? «Has my country come to this? How? Ah Christ!!»
As the «meal» progressed and the guests ate the quickly cold Big Macs, there are images of pizza slices taking the appearance of Dali clocks slowly flowing off the edge of the tables.
The McDo salads remained untouched in the middle of the table, present but not involved.
Of course, in the usual way he does things, the Orange Shit Gibbon claimed to have bought 300 burgers for the event and within minutes was claiming to have bought «1000 burgers».
Do you want lies with… sorry, do you want some fries with those?

Staying with the Orange Shit Gibbon (I like calling him that), have you noticed how his ties are always worn long,
Yes, of course you have.
You know that way women (no, I’m not sexist) have «methods» to hide their size, or rather give the illusion that they are not fat (wear stripes, long shirts, dark colours, etc…), well, the POTUS has his own tricks to give the impression that he is not obese. Wear your tie very long! He recommends the fashion hint as “slenderizing” and he actively encourages his aids to do the same. The end of Trump’s tie usually falls well below his waistline and onto the position of his genetalia. The result is …comical?
For those of you who wear ties, the tip of a man’s tie should fall right in the middle of his waistband or his belt and no longer.
(The pedagogue within me is always trying to get out.)

Speaking of crap… doctors in a number of (first world) countries have made discoveries and breakthroughs in helping the human digestive system operate better. It appears that as regards the gut (or the intestines if you prefer) we can be divided into two main groups: those of us who have «good» fecal bacteria that aid digestion and ease stresses on the digestive system while allowing extraction of all nutrients, and, those of us who don’t, being stuck with «bad» or essentially ineffective fecal  bacteria.
Well, the doctors have discovered that they can extract the «good» bacteria from the…. eh…. «eliminations» of the human digestive system (not enough women or money available in the world to compensate me for that particular job) and inject them into the gut of people with the bad bacteria. And it works. So, people with poor digestion can be greatly helped by this new method.
Wow! Great news over breakfast.
But, we are also now in a position to do good to those close to us. With the 14th of February (Valentine’s day) looming and the search for gifts for our precious partners becoming desperate, we can offer a novel … and healthy … gift in the form of «good» bacteria. And all you need is a plastic bag.
(The Spanish expression «me cago en la puta/leche/anything» can possibly be adapted to this new and caring gesture.)

Meanwhile, following on from finding things where you least expect them, police in Essex in the UK are investigating the discovery of a human bone in a pair of socks bought from a Primark store. For a Christmas present, apparently. The socks, that is. The statement from the police was: “The bone does not appear to be a result of recent trauma and had no skin or other particles surrounding it.”
Well, thank the gods for that! The official Primark statement goes a bit further to cause indigestion…
“No evidence of any kind exists to suggest that any incident has occurred in the factory.» Are they using cheap labour from some tribe of cannibals? It sounds as if that’s what they were checking;
They also sincerely apologised «to the customer who found the item for any distress caused.”Distress is putting it mildly.

Gone mad??
Despite the utter despairing sadness of the lost child in Malaga, the Sexta has been active for all women and minorities.
They produced on their website (and sent out on twitter) an image of the selected method of attempted rescue: the vertical hole with a side tunnel in the direction of the child. In the image there are drawn two Asturian miners standing in the prospective tunnel, for scale, i suppose. Upon close examination, the drawings are of a male miner and a female miner.
The female is black.
Can someone, anyone, please tell me that there really are some black female miners in Asturia and that this is not stupid political correctness gone completely mad.
When HAL took over the space station in the film 2001, it imposed its own logic on the situation to the detriment of all the humans. They all die. Political correctness is not any different.
To oblivion and beyond!!!!

Back in that strange country to the north (the UK), news comes that thousands of judicial cases have been disrupted or delayed after the courts service’s main computer network repeatedly crashed, preventing lawyers and judges from working.
The Ministry of Justice has spent £1.2bn in a high-profile programme promoting online hearings which aims to replace the legal profession’s traditional reliance on paperwork.
WTF?? They also have on-line courts? Personally, I want to be close enough to my accuser to be able to hit her.

And some pharmacies in Europe, the US and Asia are introducing screening tests for people seeking Botox injections, to ensure that those with mental health problems are not having injections because they are dissatisfied with their body.
Did I misunderstand something?
Any woman of any age can walk into a pharmacy and get Botox injections?
And only «some» pharmacies are introducing checks?

I saw that in Segovia a judge rejected complaints that a proposed statue of the devil was an affront to religious sensibilities that could make the city a focus of satanic worship.
When did Spain become a version of dumb America? This went as far as a judge??
Someone complained and a judge temporarily halted the statue’s installation. Worse, and illogically, they complainants claimed that the statue was too jovial and insufficiently repulsive to constitute an accurate representation of Satan.
Hang on… an «accurate» representation of Satan,?????
The group also expressed fears that the bronze statue could prove a magnet for people inclined towards devil worship.
I think it is already too late and the devil has already abandoned Segovia due to there being no one there with a brain.

And lets not forget the Belgians. They also play petanque, or boules, just as the French do. They even have clubs and lots of competitions. My view of it is that it’s an excuse to drink pastis and stay away from the house on weekend mornings until lunch is ready, thus avoiding being asked to help out in the kitchen. They are all older fat men who play and there isn’t a campsite in either country without the petanque players.
But… the clubs are getting more serious and the top players in the sport (sport????) have been found to be taking cocaine in order to give themselves an edge over their opponents.
Performance-enhancing drugs in boules… I have heard it all now…
or maybe I haven’t…

And the winner of the most stupid article title of the month goes to the Irish Independent newspaper for «I am a lesbian trapped in a man’s body».
You can Google it.
This weirdo says he has no interest in males whatsoever. In fact, he has great difficulty talking to them, but no difficulty talking to women.
It hasn’t occurred to him that all males are actively avoiding him.
He is 58 and married and has a teenage daughter. Call the men in white coats, please.
In any case, it is the worst chat-up line I have ever heard.

Blessings be heaped upon you all,
with my personal benediction

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